WOMEN FOR WOMEN

WHY TRUE INTIMACY TAKES GUTS AND GOOD SEX NEEDS GOOD COMMUNICATION

2007-11-16T00:54:00.001-05:00

WHY TRUE INTIMACY TAKES GUTS AND GOOD SEX NEEDS GOOD COMMUNICATION

By Dr Janet Hall

"What's wrong with me Dr Jan?" Why am I so anxious now that I have the man of my dreams? I feel like an idiot. Two years ago I was in here complaining that I was desperate because I couldn't meet anyone. Now I have been in the relationship seven months and yet I seem to be looking for an escape clause. It just doesn't make sense!"

Jenny certainly was agitated and I could understand why. She had first consulted with me two years before, because she was unhappy with single life and complained bitterly about how difficult it was for her to meet a partner. She became so confused about her inability to find her ideal relationship with a man, that she decided she may even be gay and she should pursue that scene to find out if she was really meant to be with a woman.

Jenny had joined a gay social group and even dated and had sex with several women over a year, but decided that she wasn't gay after all and it wasn't fair of her to lead someone on. (After all, she had experienced that herself in several relationships with men in the past, so she didn't want to perpetuate the pattern).

Back on the heterosexual market, Jenny was amazed to find that she met Mr Ideal when she least expected it! She went to a girlfriend's party one night as a last resort because she had nothing to do. The friend had just moved into a new neighborhood and had invited her new neighbours to the party as insurance against them complaining about the party noise.

To Jenny's amazement, she found herself hitting it off with Craig, from next door.
To her even greater amazement, she found herself going home with Craig and having the best sex ever! She didn't even feel guilty because she had had sex on her first night!

Craig and Jenny had been dating ever since, and he wanted to move in together now but Jenny had cold feet.

Jenny explained that Craig seemed really ideal in every way. He was a good listener and was putting up with the bad moods which Jenny was well known for. What had stopped working for Jenny was the sex.
She described it like this. "At first we couldn't keep our hands off each other and everything he did turned me on. But gradually I started to get bored with his routine techniques. He never took his time to make sure that I was feeling satisfied but seemed to take it for granted that if I didn't complain, it had been good for me too. Well it often wasn't!"

Jenny continued "After a few minutes of foreplay, he would assume the missionary position and get himself off. I asked him to consider oral sex because I know from being with women in the past, that oral sex is the best and quickest way for me to orgasm.
So he agreed that he would give me oral and went down for a good two minutes and hasn't done it since!"

Jenny's story is very common. Don't think I am having a go at men who are bad lovers though, as the story could just as well have been in reverse roles. Many men complain that their women would have sex swinging from the chandelier when they first got together, but now couldn't seem to care less if they never had sex again.

So what happens to make a couple who seem to initially have so much going for them, to lose their spark? I believe that the answer is in two parts -a left-brain or logical part and a right-brain or emotional part.

1. The left-brain reason for couples who lose the lust.
The biggest reason for couples losing their initial hots for each other is ignorance about their sexual needs. Typically, the man keeps up his initial speed -horny and hard and fast.
He forgets that women usually need a lot more physical stimulation and certainly needs to feel an emotional and often intellectual connection. The woman doesn't know how to communicate with him about what's happening and usually waits until she is so frustrated that she tells him when she's angry. He feels that his ego is under attack and withdraws his penis and his desire and the result is no sex-life at all.

2. The right-brain reason for couples who lose their lust.
This reason is typically only true for one member of the couple, but it sure is enough to stifle the good sex. The irony is, that with someone like Jenny, the perpetrator is not even aware that they are causing the problem, because it is an unconscious emotion.
What is it? It's the commitment phobia bug.

Jenny had always been able to have good sex when she started a relationship -be it heterosexual or bisexual. It was only when she began to truly plan a life with Craig that she began to turn off him.
Of course she made this easier for herself by blaming it on his lack of consideration for her needs during sex. Indeed, Craig needed some sexual coaching, but he was willing and able when she asked nicely and repeatedly. He just needed her to be patient, persistent and give him lots of praise for his best attempts.
Because Jenny "spat the dummy" about sex, Craig felt ripped off and didn't know how to meet her needs. All he knew was that she wasn't happy with him, yet she said that he was the best guy she had ever known in every other area.

So what does all this mean for people who want good sex to continue?
Be prepared to learn about male/female sexual needs and preferences and study the fine art of pleasing your partner before you please yourself.

For men, this means truly accepting that women do not usually get off on the "big bang".
In fact, probably only about 33% of women can orgasm with intercourse alone, and that means that most need direct stimulation of their clitoris and g-spot with tongue and fingers (and maybe vibrator, lubricant, feather….your imagination is your limitation here).

For women, it means learning that men love quickies and need to be gently encouraged to take their time if you want them to make sex last. Give them heaps of praise and shower them with compliments about their technical expertise as a lover. Give them lots of little noises of pleasure during sex too, so they know they are doing it right for you.

For everyone, it means learning that sex is very important in a relationship, but that real intimacy in a committed relationship takes time, honest and regular communication and will always have its ups and downs, so needs realistic understanding.
We are all different, regarding our sexual preferences, and a truly intimate relationship requires guts and good sex needs good communication!

Taking the Risk to Love Again

2007-11-16T00:52:00.000-05:00

Taking the Risk to Love Again

© February, 2002
By: Ruth Bridgewood
Relationship Coach

Fans of the pop duo Savage Garden may remember some of the words from the hit song "Affirmations" – "I believe you can’t appreciate real love till you’ve been burnt".

Haven’t we all been "burnt" by love at one time or another? At the time, it can feel like the worst thing that has ever happened to us. The feelings of loss, rejection or loneliness can be very difficult to cope with and we feel like we’re the only one who has ever felt this way. I think it can be a great help if we remember that most people in the world have experienced this feeling at some time in their lives (some more often than others!). Unfortunately, many put up emotional walls around themselves in the belief that by denying themselves love and a fulfilling relationship; they will never have to go through that pain again. But by doing so they are also denying themselves the joy and fulfilment that only comes from truly connecting with another person on an intimate level.

A person I met recently hasn’t had a relationship for over 10 years. When I spoke to mutual friends, they say she was hurt so badly from a relationship many years ago that she refuses to go out and meet people. Her life is now so lacking in interest and excitement that she has actually said that she will kill herself if things don’t improve by the time she is 50. Unfortunately she doesn’t realise that she is the only person who can change her life for the better. She needs to get out of her comfort zone and take some risks before anything is likely to improve.

People, who are successful in life, whether in business, relationships, sport etc., are those who have been prepared to take a risk. It is the same with taking the risk to let down those walls and let love in again. There are no guarantees in life – there’s always a chance that the relationship won’t work and you may be hurt again, but there is a saying "That, which doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger". Any adversity or painful experience gives us strength, because once we realise that we can handle it (after all, it didn’t kill you) we can learn from the experience and go on to make positive changes. When we do get back on our feet (financially, romantically, in health or whatever), we have more appreciation of life and love and all the wonderful things in the world.

There are also a number of things you can do, or things to you need to remember, to ease the pain of a broken relationship and to break down those walls:

Don’t look at a relationship that didn’t work out as a failure. Often it’s an imagined "failure" that fuels you to the success you’ve always dreamed of. .
Don’t dwell on the past – look toward your future. As Anthony Robbins said "Your past does not equal your future. Sometimes after a separation, we find ourselves dwelling on the past; our thoughts consumed with that other person. You will begin to heal when you start thinking and writing about what you want for your life".
Understand and acknowledge your part in the break up. It is easy to place all the blame on your "ex", but until you take responsibility for at least some part of the break up, you are unlikely to have fulfilling relationships in the future
Barbara De Angelis PHD, a US relationship expert, says "The emotions that you feel and express, you can heal. You can’t heal feelings that you stuff inside you. We need to actually go back in there, say the things we never said, cry the tears we never cried, get angry about the things we never got angry about, so that we don’t need to protect ourselves with those walls any more". So, have a good cry, rant and rave, punch the pillows and get it all out of you!
Read books, hire a coach or therapist, go to workshops and seminars, find articles on the internet that teach you about letting go of the past and be sure to apply the lessons.

It does take courage to take the risk to love again, but remember "Great love requires great courage". When you love deeply, with courage and commitment, your relationships and life will be filled with joy and happiness.

Why men delay marriage. And what you can do to guide your man to happily commit to you.

2007-11-16T00:00:00.001-05:00

Why men delay marriage.
And what you can do to guide your man to happily commit to you.

It’s true, today more than ever men are in no hurry to commit to long term relationships with women. And while some women continue to seek ways to get men to commit to them, others are simply fed up and are no longer trying. These women have taken the stand, “it’s a man’s issue, let them deal with it, and we as women have to get on with our lives with or without men.”

Many women are convinced it’s just a man’s thing to experiment with different sexual partners until well into their thirties before settling down in a committed relationship; but it’s more complicated than that. And if women were to pay close attention to what men say and do, they may understand how wrong some of their assumptions about men are. For example, although men like to sow their wild oats, they soon grow tired and long to settle down with a single partner.

In 2002 a Psychological Studies report put out by the University of Southern California showed 99% of college men and women said they wanted to have a committed relationship in the future. Most of the men however said they would like to put off commitment typically for a period of five years. This variation from tradition is typical among young men of all walks of life today. In times past men began to consider marriage soon after graduating from college, trade schools or apprenticeships and were gainfully employed.

So what social change has brought about this new behavior in men? Why are men not anxious to rush out and find the woman of their dreams so they can get married and settle down? The short answer is because they don’t have to. When asked, men gave several reasons why they were not ready for a committed relationship. But I believe there are four factors which significantly influence modern men’s attitude toward commitment.

1.Men face little social pressure to get married because unlike in times past it is a lot easier for a man to get sex without having to say I do. Women can no longer effectively entice men with the promise of sex as an incentive for men to commit to them. Why: Simply because men can get sex (the number one reason why men married in the past) from a number of readily available sources, in many cases with no strings attached.

2.Men dread the possible consequences in the likely event the relationship does not work out. The emotional suffering caused by a break up could be devastating to men, but they express more concern for the risk of financial losses they may suffer if and when confronted with divorce proceedings.

3.It is men’s nature to delay anything that can cause drastic changes to their lives. And although men have always been aware of the changes that marriage brings, they accepted them as part of the territory; “when a man marries his troubles begin.” But whether or not today’s men are aware of this old saying, one thing is certain. They are not ready to be plucked from their comfort zones and thrown into a life of responsibility, compromise and sacrifice. And by their own admissions this is the life they believe awaits them whenever they decide to take what they consider the final plunge.

4.Before they take that final plunge however they want to be sure they are making the best possible choice. As one man puts it “Imagine how I would feel if someone better comes along and I’m already in a committed relationship?”

How to get your man to happily commit to you

Knowing what a man wants and being aware of his apprehensions about commitment is the first step toward understanding what it takes to give a man what he wants from a relationship with you. When given a choice most people do what they want and what they believe is in their best interest. A man will not commit to a relationship unless he is convinced he will get what he wants now, with reasonable expectations he will continue to do so in the future. Fortunately for women what men want includes a love interest, trust, emotional support and commitment, some of the same things women want.

So finding the way to a man’s heart might be easier than you think. A word of caution though; this does not relate to women who are fully aware that their chances of getting their man to commit are slim to none, such as:

1. Women who remained too long in relationships with men who do not have and never had any intentions to commit to them.
2. Relationships of convenience where the woman feels trapped, but is afraid to bring up the subject of commitment for fear of loosing the man forever.
3. The woman who gets the feeling the man is ready to commit possibly with someone else, but not to her.

These suggestions refer to relationships where men want to commit but are genuinely fearful. Pay little attention to the previously well-publicized strategies that promise to motivate your man to commit to you; they do not work and men are weary of them. Anyway, if you have to coerce a man to commit to you, you are definitely with the wrong man. A man would not commit to a relationship unless he is ready. And sometimes the way he perceives you can give him that little psychological push he may need to help him to make up his mind.

Nine ways to win your man’s heart so he will want to commit to you

1.Be reasonably certain he is the kind of man with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life.

The thought of commitment should not enter your mind unless you are convinced he is the one for you. You have to know him well enough to determine: He is able to commit; He possesses many of the qualities you’ve always looked for in a man; you can’t help but to respect and admire him; He has already passed your test for honesty, integrity and consideration for others, and you must be reasonably certain he is falling in love with you.

2.Always be who you are. And don’t be afraid to express yourself the way you’re accustomed to.

This is probably the most important quality men look for in a woman. Ninety-nine percent of men in numerous surveys said so, and women whose character changed after marriage ranked number one on the list of causes for marriage break ups. Resist the urge to try to make a man feel important by conforming and not voicing your true opinions or laughing at his jokes when they are not funny. If for no other reason, consider the possibility he may be testing you

3.Show him you’re independent.

Men are weary of women who sit back and wait for their men to fill every aspect of their lives. Let him know although you welcome his input in many ways, you are perfectly capable of doing things without him; in fact sometimes you prefer to do things on your own. For example you may want to see a certain movie, but he’s too busy to go with you. Instead of sulking, cheerfully tell him you’ll go by yourself, and do it.

Until he commits to you, do not make major changes in your life with a view of accommodating him. If you had plans to purchase your new condominium go ahead as if he was not in the picture. It may seem wise to hold off on your plans pending a commitment from him. Don’t, he may get the impression you’re not as independent as he thought. If you mention your plans to him do so only for the purpose of information and not as a means of forcing him to make a decision to commit to you. The purpose here is to genuinely show him that your life goes on with or without him.

4.Show him you are a kind and loving person.

As surprising as it may seem, a man needs someone who loves him and whom he could love in return. This may seem obvious to many, but the more women are becoming empowered by their independence the more intolerant they are becoming with men who are slow to adapt. Men see these women as insensitive and most likely incapable of love. So in her own way a woman needs to show a man that although she is capable of going it alone, she has a burning desire to share love with the man in her life.

5.Show him you’re interested in him for who he is and not what he can do for you.

I’ve asked men what would be the one thing they would like to know most about a woman before they marry her. Overwhelmingly men said “to be certain that the woman loved them for themselves and not as a means to an end. This is understandable. No man likes to feel that a woman chose him because he is a good provider, a model citizen or a potentially good father; all of these things are also important to men. But a man is happier when he knows that his woman chooses him because he is her best friend; someone she would want by her side no matter what his situation may be. So how do you let him know you want him primarily for the person he is?

Show interest in his life, his likes and dislikes and his values. Talk about his career, but pay more attention of how personally rewarding it is for him instead of how economically lucrative it may be. Tell him what attracted you to him in the first place, e.g. “There was something about the way you smile”

6.Do not play games to get him to pursue you.

Men are fully aware of the games some women play to get their attention. They may even be intrigued by the challenge and do whatever it takes to win you but may never commit to you. Flirting with other guys to make him jealous or manipulating him so that he chases after you may seem to work for a while. But how could he trust you if he thinks you’re a manipulator. Even if he is fascinated by you, a man would be afraid to commit to a woman if he has the slightest doubt about her trustworthiness.

7.Let him know you have no intention of changing him

If a man feels committing to a woman will drastically change his lifestyle he will aggressively resist commitment even when he thinks he loves her. You don’t have to fit in every part of his life so even if there are some areas of incompatibility let him understand that you can compromise. Let him know you have no objection to him spending a night watching football with his friends instead of being with you. Don’t make him feel that he has to make the best of his time now because his life would change (of course for the better) once you become a couple.

8.Always maintain your femininity with special emphasis on physical appearance.

Men like women who can fit in with their friends; women who they feel can be almost like one of the boys. So having a great sense of humor, socializing without getting bogged down with too much detail makes you extremely desirable, but be careful; Men also want women who are particular about their femininity which includes being kind, loving, gentle and always conscious of their physical appearance. So being one of the boys should not be confused with looking like them. And even though it may seem like men are not overly concerned with your looks, never let your guard down.

Now we’re not talking catwalk model material here, but we expect you to look as if you’ve taken time with your appearance. This means using clothing that bring out your best qualities, maintain proper posture, (your mother was right) tastefully manicured hands and feet and regular use of mouthwash especially if you smoke or drink beer.

9. Don’t rush or appear to rush the relationship.

You may think he is taking too long to make up his mind about you. Relax! This may be a good thing; maybe he wants to be certain he’s making a sound decision.

Don’t give him the impression you’re impatient, cheerfully carry on with your normal routine. Don’t suggest he takes you to meet his parents or invite him to meet yours, unless he asks, it’s better to let him make such decisions on his own. Remember your goal is to provide him with the information he needs to make up his mind and at the same time give him all the space he requires while doing so. And if you believe he’s truly the man for you and followed the suggestions outlined in this article, you would not have to wait very long.

Why men delay marriage. And what you can do to guide your man to happily commit to you.

2007-11-16T00:00:00.000-05:00

How To Stop jealousy in Your Relationship or Marriage...

2007-11-15T23:57:00.000-05:00

How To Stop jealousy in Your Relationship or Marriage...

Hi all

So let's get started with today's lesson...

One thing that we've discovered in helping people like you with
jealousy issues in their lives is that it takes two to create this
situation and both people have to take responsibility for having
jealousy as an issue in the relationship.

It's been our experience that both people need to make
the commitment to heal the issue in order for the relationship to
become all it can be.

We know what you're saying right now...

"I know it's a problem but it's his/her problem--not mine."

While it is true that you are not the jealous one, it is a problem
in your life and you probably want it to change or you wouldn't be
reading these messages. Even though you aren't the jealous one, you
have to take responsibility and make the commitment to healing it in
your life.

After working with hundreds of individuals and couples to help them
overcome jealousy, we can absolutely tell you one thing about
overcoming jealousy...

Without taking responsibility for having the issue and making the
commitment to healing it, your partner's jealousy will never go away.
It will just continue to hurt like pouring salt into an open wound
until you make the decision to once and for all do something about it.

Today's "assignment" is to write down how you can take
responsibility for helping to create this situation.

In your "bird's eye view" exploration and looking at your
feelings and actions, did you see anything that you could do
differently when your partner
becomes jealous?

This certainly is not to "blame" you for the jealousy but to simply
begin looking at how you can begin to make changes that will help
heal your relationship.

In the coming lessons, we'll be giving you specific ways to make
changes in your relationship but for now, decide to take your share
of the responsibility for your relationship.

Again, thanks for requesting these sample lessons on overcoming
jealousy and know that by choosing to go through this material, you
have taken a big step toward making positive changes in your life!

Blessings,

Susie and Otto Collins

Let Go of What Let Go of What's Holding You Back

2007-11-09T03:01:00.000-05:00

Let Go of What Let Go of What's Holding You Back

It was wonderful meeting so many of you on The Energy Bus National Tour this summer. Thank you to all those who came to our events. You made every mile worthwhile.

I have to say, it was a long journey. 30 cites and thousands of miles. Much harder than I thought it would be, but more rewarding too!

At one point on the journey I looked in the rearview mirror and realized I had all this stuff on my bus that I didn't need. Why did I travel with all these bags of useless stuff for so long, I wondered?

I believe every one of us can say the same about our life journey. We hold on to bags that only weigh us down. We simply carry too many bags around with us. For some it’s the bags of "the past” or the bags of disappointment. For others it’s bags of distrust, fear, burden and pain.

The truth is that every one of us has at least one bag that holds us back from greater success, joy, love and prosperity. It holds us back, slows us down, and drains our positive energy—keeping us from the success and life we desire.

You know which bags I'm talking about. I don’t have to tell you what they are. They affect your work, your life and your relationships. Just as I looked in the rearview mirror of my bus and knew which bags needed to go, you can look in the rear view mirror of your life and know which bags need to be left behind.

Then you can do what I did. I didn’t want to drive heavy. I wanted to travel light. So I let the bags off the bus. You can do the same.

As author Max Lucado says, in his amazing book “Traveling Light” you can release the burdens you were never meant to carry.

I remember the moment I let the bags off my bus. I was somewhere past Phoenix driving through the dessert. I found a big trash can and put the bags where they belonged. I got back in the bus with the past behind me and a road full of daylight ahead. A big smile came upon my face. I was now free to enjoy the ride.

I hope you'll do the same.

Share this newsletter with a co-worker or friend and encourage them to let go of what is holding them back.

Sending Positive Energy Your Way!

How to Get Help From Your Intuition

2007-11-09T02:34:00.000-05:00

How to Get Help from Your Intuition

So just how do you get your intuition to help you when you need it
the most?

How do you get your intuition to help you make the right decision,
find something that is missing, get a new job, meet the right
partner, start the right business, make the right investment, buy
the right house, or help you create the life you want?

Your intuition can help you achieve anything you want - anything.

Here are a few simple steps that you can follow.

First decide what it is you want, be very clear and specific and
set a time frame.

In our case - we wanted to make a decision about our car - yes you
can ask for help making a decision.

Next - tell yourself that you have what you want right now. In the
case of making a decision - tell yourself that you have made the
right decisions.

Picture it, see it in your hand, or see it in your life, or see the
event unfold as you want and tell yourself that you have what you
want right now.

With our car we were very specific and clear and outlined all of
the options.

Finally, let go and trust that you will have what you want at the
right time or you will get something better.

We let go when we accepted that we may keep the car or sell it and
get a new one.

You let go when you accept that your happiness is not dependant on
the outcome of a particular event, or having something that you
feel you really need.

Understand that your intuition is at work for you all the time and
if you don't get what you want; your intuition will provide you
with something even better.

I know that may be hard to believe - but when you accept it you
will discover just how caring and powerful your intuition really is.

When you follow the steps I just outlined your intuition will help
you get what you want and more.

You can make the right decisions.
You can find something that is missing.
You can get what you want when you work with your intuition.

How Intuition Works

2007-11-09T02:27:00.000-05:00

How Intuition Works

Your intuition is always working for you; all you have to do is ask
it for something and then be ready to receive the answer.

The latter part - receiving the answer is where most people get
confused, give up or misunderstand the message.

To receive the answer you have to open to any and all possibilities
and this means that you may not get the answer you're looking for
and that it will only come to you when you are truly ready.

Here's a simple example.

Recently my wife and I had been thinking of getting a new car. We
really didn't need one but just thought it was time for a change.

My wife really likes her car but also thought it was time for a
change especially since it had been giving us some mechanical
problems which had the potential of getting worse and costing more
money.
We searched and searched and finally narrowed it down to one car.
But then I spoke to somebody who knew a little bit about cars and
suggested that simply fixing the car would be a better idea, after
all it was reliable and would probably go another 100-thousand
miles.

My wife and I discussed it and we still weren't sure. Then we went
on vacation and my wife loaned her sister and her family the car.
They loved it and suggested that we hang on to it and not get rid
of it. This was the second person to make the same suggestion.

Then finally we spoke to another friend who knew a lot about cars
and he suggested we fix it and keep it.

We had asked a question - whether to keep the car or get a new one.
We got the message from 3 different sources and decided to keep the
car - which is running just fine.

This is a small example but it shows that Intuition works in many
ways.

It can come as a feeling, it can come from a friend, it can come
from a letter, a message, and advertisement, a news article, or any
other form.

But you will only get guidance from your intuition when you ask for
what you want, believe that you have what you want, and trust that
what you want will manifest or that you will get something even
better.

That's how we made the decision to keep the car - we were open to
all possibilities including fixing it or getting a new one.

Your intuition will always help you.
Ask and you will receive.
With help from your intuition you will get what you want or better
You too can start working with your powerful intuition.

Friendship advice: keeping the relationship alive

2007-10-29T00:32:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had an argument that destroyed a friendship, and then wished you'd known how to avoid it? Here is friendship advice on how you can easily avoid that situation again.
Here are some easy rules or suggestions to remember that might help avoid an argument between friends.

1) Make sure both sides of the dispute get equally heard. Too many times, one person does all of the talking. No matter how tempted you are to start talking, always be ready to listen as well, and not just half-heartedly. Understand what your friend says, just as you expect them to do when it’s your turn to talk.

2) Don't insist on having the last word or the first, all of the time. People very often become defensive and uncooperative when they feel that their words are being overrun by self-imposition of another’s. If you initiate the conversation, don’t be the one to finish it too. Cooperate with your friend and they will be more willing to cooperate with you.

3) Next, the dreaded subject of the honest opinion. First off, don't waste time trying to be nice about something that you don’t really believe to be true. Sooner or later, false words are going to come back to bite you and they often destroy bridges. So, don’t shy away from giving your honest opinion when it's asked for. But, just remember that while criticism is a good growing aid, it’s never helpful to be too critical. You should be honest, but never nasty. If you can't stand a single thing about the person, then admit that you can't be friends. However, for the sake of common courtesy, tell the other person without being rude or mean. Being complimentary and kind are favored as long as you're honest.

4) This next rule is not favored much. But nevertheless, don't insist that your opinion is the foremost and the only one. Pushy people aren't popular. On the other hand, don't be overly passive either. Make sure your friends know exactly where you stand on the issue at hand and then leave it at that. Don't force, but don't give in to any pressure to conform if the issue is something you feel strongly about.

5) Be helpful. Learn moderation. Help out when your friends need it, not just when it's convenient for you.

6) Compromise. Learn to bend at times. Be flexible. If you are able to try different things while keeping an open mind, you’ll find yourselves a lot happier with your friendship and with yourself.

7) Be understanding. Don't laugh at troubles your friend may be having and don’t get mad at them. Instead, offer them a shoulder to lean on; even if the trouble involves you. Learn to understand one another.

In conclusion, it's safe to say that people will want a friend who at least

tries to be all of the above. If you follow these few simple suggestions, you might have a friend for life.

marriage

2007-10-29T00:21:00.000-04:00

Marriage is built on the foundation of love, trust and commitment. A union in which two people are joined to enjoy a life-long love that endures many tests. Many people will walk into a marriage blindly with false expectations thinking that the honeymoon will never end. The true test of a marriage is having the ability and the willingness to overcome difficulties and grow from past mistakes. However, it becomes challenging when issues continually arise and compromise is almost impossible. The truth is many allow love and romance to be the determining factor for a marriage. True, you must have both for the marriage to work. But soon the newness ends and reality presents itself, and an important question arises. Are you and your partner compatible?

Compatibility is vital, yet it is something that many relationships lack. In a marriage you must know your own needs, plus the needs of your mate. If one is not satified a strain will be felt in the marriage. It is impossible to like everything your mate does, however too many different interests and tastes will weaken the bond. Those contemplating marriage need to have a two-way communication. Important matters such as whom will handle the money, where the couple will live, and what type of discipline will be used for children should be discussed prior to marriage. Couples have a tendency to wait until after marriage to talk about these matters and find themselves disagreeing.

The person you marry should be your best friend. This is the individual who you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Marriage partners should know each other inside and out: their wants, needs, interest, goals, fears, and desires. Couples that rush into marriage and do not value the friendship aspect may find themselves consulting with others about their confidential marriage issues. This lack of friendship may also lead to infidelity. Not being able or feeling uncomfortable with finding comfort in your partner will end in seeking comfort elsewhere.

Friendships that evolve into relationships are lasting. The individuals have already established a bond and have come to know each other. This is good because we tend to show our friends our true self quicker than we would someone pursuing us. Our friends see our weaknesses and faults, as well as our strengths and virtues. Friends know our background and the reason we may behave a certain way.

Compatibility will never be perfect. We are all imperfect and have faults. Some of these faults we see early and others not until later. The couple that is truly compatible and have developed a friendship will deal with problems accordingly. The love must be strong enough to endure and the good must outweigh the bad. This results in a strong, solid marriage foundation.

Marriage and partner’s behaviour:

2007-10-23T04:10:00.000-04:00

Marriage and partner’s behaviour:

Each person has own character and quality, the individuality identifies when reflected through communication and practice. Major characters which effect married life are Negative/ Positive, Introverted/ extroverted and strong/ weak, these characters control us. In some negative dominates and in some positive dominates, and what dominates reveals through reaction. As I observed, there is almost no house where wife says my husband is perfect also the opinion of husband is same for his wife. So one has to agree as no one is perfect, need an endeavour to work for the objective of marriage. Strength of marriage lies on how you understand and react to the partner’s behaviour. If both partners understand each other, react in accordance would avoid clashes and violence. In each house there is opinion differences; to manage is the quality of both partners:
To extinguish fire, water or other cool substance is the solution. To be cool when find possibility of arguments and settle the mater in right environment. Arguments become clash and then differences in the partnership only accelerates distasteful married life, is one of the reasons of infidelity.
Many couples do not like each other’s odour rather can not stand, in such cases during sleep any important discussion may result to arguments. Because is already irritated by the distaste of odour to give positive response.
Many small-pity incidences like he/she does not dress well, very slow, does not clean well, does not smile, talk too much or too serious and etc, etc, together form a big consolidated issue, when minded and stored in self stimulates dislike towards partner.
In many houses, beginning of arguments cursing each other for not doing this or done that, is normally stimulated by development of dislike of prior incidences. In such families dominant person’s ego of being efficient and intelligent pursues partner to act accordingly. Such characters are too extroverted and negative which prevents them calculating others mind. They have a feeling what they think is right. No one is same and each one has intelligence but in different forms, one is good at kitchen and other in arranging. Avoiding comparison softens relation.
Women are more emotional than men. Women use heart to think and Men use brain. So women need emotional touch up, attention and presence recognized.

4 Major Reasons Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by Paul Jones

2007-10-23T04:04:00.000-04:00

4 Major Reasons Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by Paul Jones

No one gets married expecting to get divorced. Why bother in the first place? We are filled with hope when we say "I Do" to that other person. But the cold reality is that, the divorce rate in America is ridiculously high and is rising every day.

Many people think they have to watch out for the infamous seven-year itch that comes about after seven years of marriage. Today, couples need to watch out for the two-year itch. Dissatisfaction in marriages happens earlier and earlier as people become more disillusioned with their dreams when they don't become reality as quickly as they think it should. And now, a divorce is easier to get than a driver's license.

Think it's a travesty? Maybe it is. But it's reality. So why do marriages fail? While the answers to that question are many, there is a growing body of research to suggest there are four negative risk factors that create barriers to oneness in marriage and increase a couple's chances for marital failure.

The First, negative behavior patterns can have a hugely negative impact on a marriage. This occurs when partners respond negatively to each other continually upping the ante so the conversation gets more and more hostile.

When a conversation escalates into an argument, this creates tension that can eat away at a marriage. Each negative comment increases the level of anger and frustration, and soon a small disagreement blows up into a major fight.

Frequently there are threats to end the relationship. Over time those angry words damage oneness, and angry threats to leave begin to seem like prophecy. Once negative comments are made, they are hard to take back and drive a knife into the partner's heart.

The second next negative factor that contributes to the erosion of marriage is invalidation. Invalidation is a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other.

Invalidation can take many forms. Sometimes it can be caustic, in which one partner (or both) attacks the other person verbally. You can hear, and even feel, the contempt one partner has for another.

Sarcastic phrases like "Well, I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you" or "I forgot how lucky I am to be married to you" can cut like a knife. These are attacks on the person's character and personality that easily destroy a marriage. Research has found that invalidation is one of the best predictors of future problems and failure of a marriage.

Negative interpretations are the third risk factor toward a failing marriage. Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case.

Such behavior can be a very destructive pattern in a relationship, and quickly erode intimacy and oneness in a marriage. A wife may believe that her husband does not like her parents. As a result, she may attack him anytime he is not overly enthusiastic about visiting them. He may be concerned with the financial cost of going home for Christmas or about whether he has enough vacation time. She, in turn, considers his behavior as disliking her parents.

When a relationship becomes more distressed, the negative interpretations mount and help create an environment of hopelessness. The attacked partner gives up trying to make himself or herself clear and becomes demoralized.

Finally, there is withdrawal and avoidance. These are two different manifestations of the problem wherein a partner is unwilling to get in or stay in a discussion that is too threatening.

Withdrawal can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as 'turning off' or 'shutting down' during an argument. The withdrawer often tends to get quiet during an argument, look away, or agree quickly to a partner's suggestion just to end the conversation, with no real intention of following through

Avoidance reflects the same reluctance to get into certain discussions, with more emphasis on the attempt to not let the conversation happen in the first place. A person prone to avoidance would prefer that the topic not come up and, if it does, may manifest the signs of withdrawal just described.

The research shows that couples that want a good marriage need to eliminate these risk factors from their marriage, or else the negative factors will overwhelm the positive aspects of the marriage. It is never too late to put your marriage back on track.

how to overcome jealousy in your relationship or marriage.

2007-10-23T03:44:00.000-04:00

how to overcome jealousy in your relationship or marriage.

This, and the other lessons to follow on overcoming jealousy,
are sample lessons and based on the information you'll find
in our best selling book and audio program called "No More
Jealousy."

In this lessons, we suggest that you begin focusing and
celebrating on what is "right" or good in your relationship
and ask your partner to do the same.

Begin focusing on what is working and what you want

Essentially, we're suggesting that you take some time and
intentionally find the good in yourself, in your partner
and in your relationship--and talk with each other about
what you discover.

This is important because very often people spend a lot of
time focusing on what's going wrong in their relationships
and not on what's "going right." They spend a lot of time
focusing on jealousy or any other challenge but not on the
love that is or once was between them.

In life and in your relationships, whatever you focus on, you
attract more of. We're suggesting that if you want more joy,
connection and love in your life--and to heal your jealousy--
that you spend more time focusing on these things than the
things you want less of or want to eliminate.

This is a simple, yet powerful message that most of us know
but forget. Everyone knows that when we have positive thoughts
and give positive feedback to those in our life, everybody
feels better.

But what do most of us do? We continue to dwell on negative
thoughts and give negative feedback to our loved ones.

Start today to bring more love into your life by appreciating
what is going right.

Many blessings to you,

Marital Depression & How to avoid it

2007-10-18T08:48:00.000-04:00

Marital Depression & How to avoid it

If you suffer depression, please find help at Love-Sessions

Weddings are considered the most special events that will take place in anyone’s life. As true as that is, it is also a fact that many people find themselves suffering from marital depression soon after the wedding and honeymoon takes place. Though this may be common, it is still something the majority of people cannot understand or are even aware of.

So what is marital depression and what are the responsible reasons behind it? Though marital depression can carry many different reasons behind, there is one common reason that almost every single person shares, and that reason is disorganization. This means that most people do not organize, as a couple, what will take place after the wedding and honeymoon pass through. Both men and women can suffer from marital depression, but it is more common in women, for the reason that women become more deeply involved in making their whole wedding experience “perfect”. From the beginning of their relationship, women have a tendency to start creating a fantasy world in their minds of how they would like their lives to be with their partners. It is a fantasy they plan out so detailed and carefully, that it actually becomes a subconscious reality to them, setting them for marital depression ahead.

When most people think of marriage, they mostly think about the type of wedding celebration they would like to have, and where they would like to experience their honeymoon. It usually stops here, which is why many disappointments come to surface later. Even though a couple may have invested many years together before deciding to take that big step into marriage, it still requires a lot of planning, teamwork and agreements on many things regarding how things will be handled once they get settled into their new marriage together. One fantasy you must get out of your head is that your marriage will be like one big romantic date where things will always run smoothly without any problems. The truth is, as wonderful as marriage really can be; it also carries its share of challenges and obstacles. The truth is, whether you want to hear it or not, your marriage will not be picture perfect all the time. There will be times you and your spouse will disagree and find yourselves facing a challenge you both feel can even be impossible to get through.
Marital Depression & How to avoid it (Part 2) for part 1 - click here

For relationship help at Love-Sessions

Your marriage may suffer from occasional problems, but it does not need to end in marital depression or unsolved conflicts. The key to maintaining a healthy yet realistic marriage is to use direct communication before and after your wedding takes place. Do not make the wedding ceremony and honeymoon the most important priority to you. Instead of focusing too much on the wedding and honeymoon, focus on preparing your marriage. Together with your partner, discuss what you will do once you come home from the honeymoon, and what patterns you plan to follow and what your expectations from marriage. This will avoid any misunderstandings or unpleasant surprises down the road. It is also essential to keep in mind, that maintaining the romance and sexual department is just as important as it was before you got married. Continue to go out on dates and plan special activities together, as well as being occasionally spontaneous.

Accepting that married life is not a fairytale book that takes its own perfect course will keep you from getting marital depression. Accept the fact that although you may be life partners, you are still individuals who will think and feel differently at times- and it does not mean that you are incompatible, just human beings with your own beliefs and personalities. Practicing is not a bad idea either. For instance, create a situation where you feel things are not going so great and where you feel things are not picture perfect- and where you and your partner are disagreeing. Once you have done that, come up with several methods on how you could handle such situations if they were to come to surface. By becoming familiar with conflicts ahead of time and practicing how you would handle them, you will prepare yourself with the knowledge and strength on accepting the realities of marriages, and how to deal with those realities when they come to you, so you can live a healthy and depression-free marriage together.

Top things man ' Hate ' about woman

2007-10-18T08:47:00.001-04:00

Top things man ' Hate ' about woman

Men always find women attractive and try their best to woo her. A woman always needs to be loved and taken care of. In today’s society women have taken up powerful corporate and social positions and are making headlines. Carly Fiorina of ex. HP CEO and Indra Nooyi of Pepsi are just two examples. A woman, no matter how powerful, always needs support from a man and vice versa. Men have always lent their shoulders for her to rest on. On the flip side, men have certain complaints about her and we are here to discuss that.

Imagine you are busy in an important meeting and the phone keeps on ringing, even though you disconnected it a couple of times. Certainly you would find it dislikable, and this is one point that men find annoying in a woman. Women sometimes fail to understand that her partner or husband have other work apart from answering her calls and tending to her constantly- it makes them seem too needy, which usually a big turn off for a man. Many men find it quite irritating when their partners shout at them because the shirt is not at the proper place or the trousers are lying on the ground, for example- because it comes off as a nagging attitude. A Man always wants his woman to take active interest in his work and indifference in that aspect definitely annoys him, because he feels she does not care if interest in not genuinely expressed.

These factors do not really cause a dent in a relationship necessarily, but definitely small ripples are created. A man and a woman should be careful of not invading into each other’s personal space too much. Men sometimes do not like the self centered attitude of women. Women are sometimes so worried about themselves that they forget there are other people around. Over possessiveness, jealously and undue interest in other men are certain traits that a man dislikes in a woman.

Imagine you both having a coffee and suddenly a good looking man walks in. Your girlfriend suddenly starts to talk about him and gives undue attention and starts comparing you. Is this something that you would appreciate? Certainly not! After all we all have our own feelings and being compared to another man without any justification surely hurts.

There are several other factors that can turn off a man’s feeling towards a woman. If a woman tries to exhibit too much of manliness that can definitely turn off a man. Women often fail to take care of their physical appearance after child birth or after being with their partner for a while. This is something that bothers men, as they are visual creatures. While women do not and should torture themselves to look a certain way and be a certain size, a woman should invest her best efforts in staying in healthy physical shape- for herself and to please her partner. There is nothing wrong with men and women doing things to please each other, as long as it is done in a healthy manner and no one is being criticized in a hurtful way or having unrealistic expectations put on them.

Some Women are too worried about the materialistic things in life. They forget the finer points in a relationship and become too worried about that big car or a big house. This fact sometimes annoys men, especially if he is not able to fulfill her requirements or it seems like she is never pleased. To maintain a happy relationship, a woman should always try to understand the parameters of her partner and not push him too hard for materialistic things. Spending too much money on jewelry, clothing and ignoring the needs of her partner sometimes disturb men and make him think of the relationship with doubt.

Another important factor that can play spoilsport in a relationship is the lack of interest in sex. After a certain period in relationship women tend to lose interest in sex. This is something that bothers her partner and leaves him confused. If there is a genuine reason it should be discussed between the partners to enjoy the bliss of togetherness.

Some of the factors mentioned above are truly disturbing for men. The silver lining is all this can be sorted out if the partners try to accommodate each other and share their opinions. A woman should always discuss her problems in a relationship with her partner, rather than gossiping with friends or keeping it all inside, assuming he will figure it out. This may further deepen the dent in a relationship. Every man craves for a certain amount of importance from his partner. He feels good if he gets priority in the finer things in life from his partner. It is always important for a woman to display her feminine characteristics to the best of her ability. This, along with team work can make a man happy and drive a relationship to the pinnacle of happiness.

Changing the way you look at yourself

2007-10-18T08:46:00.000-04:00

Changing the way you look at yourself

For Advice from an expert at Love-Sessions

Day by day, the majority of us have a painful war with ourselves. It is a constant fight that includes constant criticism, pressure, anger, sadness and endless cruel comparisons. It is an everyday struggle that gets in the way and keeps you from seeing yourself for who you really are and achieving your true purposes in life. Where did this war begin and why?

The answer to that question can be answered in a well-known and very often used word: Self-Esteem. What exactly does self-esteem mean? Self-Esteem is the way you look at and feel about yourself. The word "esteem" itself, means to value something or someone, thinking and believing that that something or someone is of great importance. If you are always fighting with yourself and feeding yourself thoughts that make you feel less valuable or not as important or attractive as other people, then you are suffering from Low Self-Esteem. Unfortunately, most people suffer from this, but the good news is, you can kick low self-esteem out of your life, inviting and living a high self-esteem instead.

Living a life of great confidence can be challenging, but can be done. You might have even tried giving your self-esteem a boost, but were later disappointed to see that it did not quite work out the way you imagined. If this is true, do not run away just yet! This behavior is very common. Like every other person, you have probably adapted and grown to believe that feeling insecure and feeling that you are not good enough is normal and impossible to beat; therefore you just accept it and set an subconscious rule that you need to and deserve to feel badly and poorly when you look at yourself. This is where you need to take a few steps back. The thing about low self-esteem is, that is cannot be cured in one day, or even soon for that matter. The first thing you need to stop doing is giving yourself and everything around you unrealistic deadlines.

Accomplishing high self-esteem will not happen in an instant. It requires hard work and constant reassurance. When working on achieving high self-esteem, know that it can never and will never be achieved as long as you keep negative ingredients involved, such as giving up. This is one of the biggest reasons you look at yourself in such a valueless manner. Yes, it will be hard to get rid of, especially because "giving up" is partnered with another negative ingredient named "laziness". The truth is, you do wish to change the way you look at and feel about yourself, but you have grown to become too lazy to do anything about it. Why? For the factual reason that you find it easier to stay in the place and position that you are already in. It does not matter if it is an extremely negative position or place. What does matter and needs to be realized is that you have chosen to stay in negativity for so long, that you have become so comfortable with the fact that you do not like yourself. You may not have noticed, as most of the other low self-esteemed don't, that you now crave and need to feel sorry for yourself and subconsciously enjoy victimizing yourself and grabbing negative attention from others. This is exactly why terminating low self-esteem is difficult. You handed over all of your power and strength to it, allowing it to dictate your being and the way you handle life.

Changing the way you look at Yourself (Part 2)

2007-10-18T08:45:00.001-04:00

Changing the way you look at Yourself (Part 2)

For Advice from an expert at Love-Sessions

Once you have realized and accepted these facts, you can begin your boosting process. Begin by becoming a best friend to yourself instead of an enemy. With this best friend, you, stand up for yourself and face that low self-esteem in the face, along with all the fears that come with it. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you do not feel sorry for yourself anymore and that you have the power and strength to feel and be happy, confident and successful, and you will do it because you are valuable and deserve it, just as anyone else would. Reassuring yourself is a big key to staying focused and improving the way you feel about yourself and the life you live. So do not be afraid to face yourself, and every time you do look at yourself and observe the things that go on around you, take notes of the positive things and the things you do like and admire about yourself.

Another essential thing you must stop doing is comparing yourself to others. You are you and not anyone else, and never will be anyone else. People are different and are created with different packages and talents. You are different and unique and hold talents and qualities that no one else has and will never have, and that is something to take pride in and love about you. Concentrate on learning and knowing that you are special, loveable, capable and very much acceptable. It all begins with accepting yourself, and you are the most important person to receive acceptance from. Once you have received official approval and acceptance from yourself, everything and everyone else around you will do the same and follow.

Living a life of great confidence can be challenging, but can be done. You might have even tried giving your self-esteem a boost, but were later disappointed to see that it did not quite work out the way you imagined. If this is true, do not run away just yet! This behavior is very common. Like every other person, you have probably adapted and grown to believe that feeling insecure and feeling that you are not good enough is normal and impossible to beat; therefore you just accept it and set an subconscious rule that you need to and deserve to feel badly and poorly when you look at yourself. This is where you need to take a few steps back. The thing about low self-esteem is, that is cannot be cured in one day, or even soon for that matter. The first thing you need to stop doing is giving yourself and everything around you unrealistic deadlines.

When you do come to times where you are not satisfied with the way you look or the things you have done, shift your mind and soul over to a positive side, pointing out the things you are happy with and feel great about, and always reward yourself for it. Treat yourself to something special that you will enjoy and feel fabulous about, and remind yourself that tomorrow is another day, which comes with brand new opportunities and more chances. Lastly, make your presence appear only around other positive people and other positive energies. Maintaining a healthy and high self-esteem will be successful if you continue to motivate and encourage it. So get up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and start changing the way you feel about and look at yourself. You deserve to happy and confident, because you are a fantastic and very special individual. You can do it…and you know you can!

Flirting tips to help you Succeed in the Dating World

2007-10-18T08:41:00.000-04:00

Flirting tips to help you Succeed in the Dating World

Ladies: Flirting 101

Every woman has a sexy flirt inside of her capable of getting a man’s attention. However, not all women carry the self confidence or know-how on bringing this flirtatious side out. Flirting plays a big part in the dating world. In fact, you cannot score a date with any man unless you give them the green light- a sign that expresses that we are interested in them. After all, women are not the only ones struggling with doubts and insecurities about themselves. Men also feel insecure and unsure on how to put themselves out there. They are afraid of reading a woman wrong, fear getting rejected and are also intimidated by women they find very attractive. So, if you see a man you think is attractive and you want to get the communication started, you have to help the boy out a little! By helping him out, you will help yourself out too- because you like him and want to talk to him, so let the flirting begin…

Flirting does not have to be very aggressive. It depends on your personality. If you naturally a shyer person, then you will want to be quieter with your flirting, but still send out a strong message. If you are not all that shy and you have a more aggressive personality, then you can be more obvious and vocal with your flirting. Here are some flirting tips you can use the next time you see a guy you want to acquaint and get to know better.

Shy Girls:

1. Make eye contact with a smile.

If you come across a man that catches your eye, look at him in the eyes and give him a gentle smile. The smile is an invitation, letting him know that you are open to be friendly with him.

2. If he smiles back, Turn Around!

Once you make contact and smile at him, the ball is in his court. He smiles back, keep walking. After a few second, slowly turn around and smile at him again. He most likely will be checking you out if he finds you attractive, so he will see this and will smile back at you again. If he has the courage, he will come up to you and start talking- and you can take it from there.

3. Swirl your feet

If you are sitting down when you see a man you like, then give him a friendly smile and swirl one of your feet around slowly if you are wearing a skirt. The smile and eye contact will let him know you are into him, but swirling your foot will draw his attention to your legs and he will be even more curious about you. Remember, men are visual creatures, so make sure he sees your physical qualities. If you are sitting but are not wearing a skirt, then you can do something else to draw his attention to your physical sexiness! For example, you could tilt your head slightly upwards and rub your neck a little, as if you do not know he is looking, but in fact he will be watching you rub your sexy neck!

Not so Shy Girls:

1. Stare and Speak!

When you see a man you like, the eye contact rule still applies, since eye contact is the most powerful tool when trying to connect with someone. However, if you are not that shy and do not mind taking a bolder step, you can also speak to him as he walks by, or as you walk by him. You can flirtingly say hello in a soft voice and smile as he says hello back, gently looking him up and down. This will make it obvious to him that you are interested, without being too aggressive and over doing it- but definitely flirty enough!

2. Start Conversation

If you are willing to make the first move and make your intentions even more obvious, without actually throwing yourself at him, you can start a conversation with him. Come up with an excuse to talk, such as asking for directions, an opinion on something- or even to borrow his pen- whatever it takes to get the two of you talking. If he is interested in you as well, you will not have to work too hard, because he will be friendly and flirty right back at you! You two can talk and then take it from there.

3. Give or Ask for Digits!

Face it- if you just ran into this guy by chance- then there I a high chance you may not see him again- unless one of you take a bold move. If you do not have a problem making bold moves, you can ask him for his phone number (if he does not beat you to it first), or you could write down your number and hand it to him with a smile. If there really is chemistry between you, then he will want to be in touch with you again- as soon as possible!

Remember: Regardless of whether you are shy or more aggressive, one of the most important and most attractive thing a woman can do is Smile! It gives a friendly vibe and shows him that you are a happy, non-threatening flirting woman. Plus, smiling brightens your face and gives him a chance to see your real beauty!

Understanding your Partner’s Sexuality

2007-10-18T08:40:00.000-04:00

Understanding your Partner’s Sexuality

For Advice on all relationship topics at Love-Sessions

Sexual expression plays a huge role in relationships. It is way for people to show their lovers what they feel about them through passionate and intimate ways. As wonderful as sexuality can be, it is often misunderstood, which is why the average couple faces sexual conflicts and challenges at some point during their relationship. This is no way is a generalization of men and women, but the truth is, men and women handle their sexuality differently- on an average. If couples spend some time to truly learn and understand their partner’s sexuality, they can build a happier and healthier sex life together, instead of facing the conflicts that stall their relationship from blossoming further.

Okay, so you now know that according for your sex life to improve, you need to understand your partner’s sexuality…but where do you start? Good question, but there is no particular area to start. You can start at any angle you wish, as long as you are learning something about your partner’s sexual behavior. Of course, the most advisable suggestion would be communication, for every counseling psychologist believes that all couple conflicts exist because of poor communication that needs to be improved. This may be true, but it is a very general suggestion- too general for you to understand where to start. You see, this is because you do not know what communication to improve. Many couples may have wonderful communication between each other and get along great, except for when it comes to making love. How can this be if you communicate so well? The answer is very simple, yet most people would not think of it. In fact, the average person sees communication as a general skill that works for all areas of life, which is why most couple gets confused when their sex life starts to lack. The answer is: You need to improve your Sexual Communication.

Fine, that sounds simple enough. So all you have to do is talk about your sex life with your lover to clear any confusion? Well, yes- talking about what is going on in your bedroom certainly helps you both understand what is going on in each others minds, but that is not the entire solution. Besides talking about it, you have got to do some research and work on your own. This means you need to make an effort to study your partner’s sexuality by learning what triggers good and bad sexual responses. This is where it can get challenging because men and women view sex differently. Though men have times they are not “in the mood” due to other things going on in their life, they usually can tune out everything when it comes to having a lovemaking session with their partner. In fact, for many men, sex is great way to help them feel better and relax- like a stress reducer. For women however, sex is a more fragile subject and involves a lot of emotion. If a woman is having a bad day or has a million things going on in her mind, it distracts her from getting involved in good sexual activity. Men take this offensively, thinking that the reason their woman does not want to have sex or is not that into it, is because she is no longer as turned on by him, or even being selfish- when this is most of the time not true. Women need to be approached in certain ways that will make them feel relaxed, safe and ready to have sex. Men too have their own preferences of ways to be approached.

Understanding your Partner’s Sexuality (2) for part 1 - click here.

2007-10-18T08:37:00.000-04:00

Understanding your Partner’s Sexuality (2) for part 1 - click here.

Advice on all love related topics at Love-Sessions

There are many methods you can use to better understand your partner’s sexuality and improve your sex life. Begin by trying something different that you do not usually do, but also try combining that with a behavior you use often, so that your partner can still feel familiar and comfortable. Good ideas that have succeeded are giving your partner a full body massage to help them relax and open up, setting up a sexy and romantic scene in the bedroom (example: candlelight, sexy music, sexy food like chocolate strawberries, body oils and butters, champagne, etc.), having an indoor picnic at home, taking a bath and scrubbing your lovers body, taking your lover out on a date and then staying in a nice hotel for the night… and so on. One of the main reasons sex conflicts occur eventually during a relationship, is due to the fact that the sex and romance fell into “routine” or a comfort zone. To keep a sexual relationship exciting, you must take different routes and try new things and keep it creative. Knowing what works best when it comes to awakening your lover’s sexual cravings, will take time and effort, not to mention a good deal of exploration. Not that this would actually feel like work, for exploring new areas and new routines tend to always spice up a relationship and draw the two of you together. You and your partner will not only be involved in more lovemaking sessions together, but will also discover new things about each other and your relationship, which will open new doors to better communication, new ideas, as well as learning more do’s and don’ts for your relationship.

Understanding your partner’s sexuality is not as hard as you may think. All it requires is the will and patience to observe and pay attention to what makes him or her tick and respond to you in the way you find most appealing. While you are learning and using new ideas to enhance your sexual side of your relationship, you and your partner will automatically strengthen your bond, love, respect and understanding towards one another, which is what being in a relationship is all about. Remember, when trying to improve a sexual relationship, you must look at things from two points of views: yours and your partners. As long as you make the best effort to this, plus good communication on both your parts, your relationship will be maintained in the most clear and satisfying form.

Communicating With Your Spouse Respect, Love, and Good Communication in Marriage

2007-10-17T01:30:00.001-04:00

Communicating With Your Spouse
Respect, Love, and Good Communication in Marriage

© Jean Marie Lockwood

Marriage is hard work, but if we know how to talk to each other it will be easier. Here are some tips to help know how to communicate with your spouse.

When a couple is planning a wedding, the excitement and busyness that surrounds them may drown out any potential problems, such as lack of communication. When the honeymoon is over and normal daily life together begins is when problems may be noticed- but are not taken seriously because it is all new.

Communication is the main factor in a successful marriage. If a couple is able to talk to each other about everything that concerns them, they will get through just about anything.

Here are some tips to enable you to successfully communicate as a couple.
Respect each other in your communication. Agree on things such as no name calling, even while arguing. Don't talk down to each other.
Don't use terms such as "you always", and "I never".
Be a good listener. Use body language to let your spouse know you are truly listening. Rephrasing what has been said, to make sure you are understanding what is meant can help make sure there is no misunderstanding.
Make the tough subjects easier by bringing humor into it. Talking about sex can be difficult at first, but if you use humor, it can become easier. Be honest, but keep a good sense of humor.
Don't hesitate to tell each other what you like. Too often married couples only say what they don't like. This can cause hurt feelings and make it seem like a hopeless situation. If you talk about the things that you enjoy and agree on, as much or more than the things you don't like or agree on, it creates a positive atmosphere to communicate in.
When you notice things about your spouse that you would like to see change, remember that there are things about you that he would like to see change too. If you work on changing yourself, rather than on changing your spouse- you will see big changes in your perspective.
Touching, whether holding hands, or sitting against eachother while talking, will keep you aware of how close you are to eachother, and make it less likely that you will say things you will regret later.
Keep sarcasm and a mocking tone far from your conversation. These things can cause hurt, resentment, and make it harder to talk about important things.
When you feel distance growing, say so. There is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you need some of her time. As a matter of fact, being open about such things is what will draw you closer to each other.
Make it easy for your spouse to begin to talk by being willing and making it clear that you are in this together. When both of you are working toward the same goal - a happy, healthy, lifelong marriage - being available to each other has to come first.
On things that are strictly opinion, don't argue! Agree to disagree. If there are opinions you are not in agreement on...so what?
Opinion is a personal thing that does not make or break a relationship. Allow differences of opinion, and accept that yours may not be the only one that is alright.
Don't rehash the past. If something is in the past, has already been dealt with and resolved- leave it there. Bringing up the past is a communication killer. Don't allow things that are in the past to ruin you future.

If a couple works together, agreeing on communicating effectively - the marriage can be happy, harmonious, and healthy - for life.

Friendship vs. Emotional Affair Signs Your Friendship Has Crossed Into Questionable Territory

2007-10-17T01:28:00.000-04:00

Friendship vs. Emotional Affair
Signs Your Friendship Has Crossed Into Questionable Territory

© Cherie Burbach

Friendships are great. Emotional affairs are trouble. Here are some guidelines to determine if you're having an inappropriate relationship.
Feelings of attraction:

Friendship:
Feelings for your friend are completely platonic. That means you are not attracted to your friend and couldn't imagine having sex with them.

Emotional affair:
You begin to have feelings of attraction for your friend. You wonder what it would be like to kiss or touch your friend.
Sharing inappropriate details of your relationship:

Friendship:
Your friend is a source of support, but you make it a point not to discuss the intricacies of your relationship.

Emotional affair:
When you begin to share intimate or hurtful details of your relationship with one particular friend of the opposite sex, you are in the beginning stages of an emotional affair. Every relationship has ups and downs, but by relaying personal information on your significant other you are also betraying his or her trust.
Longing for your friend instead of your partner:

Friendship:
You look forward to seeing your friend at work or out socially, but ultimately look forward to going home to your partner.

Emotional affair:
You spend more energy longing for your friend than you do your partner. When you're with your partner, you look forward to when you can get back to spending time with your friend.
Secrecy:

Friendship:
Your relationship with your friend is out in the open. Your partner knows when you meet for dinner and have lunch, and you are honest when asked how you two spent your time.

Emotional affair:
You tend to hide information on your friendship from your partner. You email or call each other in secret, and when asked how you two spent your time you have a tendency to lie.
Your friendship upsets your partner:

Friendship:
Your partner is supportive of spending time with your friend.

Emotional affair:
Something about your friendship bothers your partner, and when he or she asks you about it you get uncomfortable or defensive.
Your friend takes up your thoughts:

Friendship:
You daydream and fantasize about your new relationship, not your friend.

Emotional affair:
You dream and fantasize about your friend, not your new relationship.
You believe you'll always be closer to your friend than your partner:

Friendship:
Your friend knows you only too well, but you look forward to the day when your significant other will come to know your heart and soul even better.

Emotional affair:
You believe that no matter how great the new person in your life is, he or she will never be able to know you quite like your friend does.
You have feelings of jealousy when your friend finds love:

Friendship:
When your friend goes on a date, you are happy for them and hope they find their match.

Emotional affair:
You are jealous when your friend goes on a date. You find yourself hoping your friend will not find love and instead spend time with you.
The dangers of emotional affairs when you're dating:

Emotional affairs can be especially harmful to new relationships. When you've first started dating, things are tentative and unsure, and can be easily derailed with misunderstandings. Asking a potential partner to accept an inappropriate friendship is a sure-fire way to end your new relationship before it even starts.

If you are having an emotional affair with the opposite sex, ask yourself why you want to continue. Are you afraid of a real relationship, and therefore hold on to this emotional affair? Having a friend to fantasize about can be a crutch to hold you back from developing a healthy relationship.

The Danger of Emotional Affairs Betrayal of Trust

2007-10-17T01:27:00.000-04:00

The Danger of Emotional Affairs
Betrayal of Trust

© Cherie

Can men and women really ever be friends? Or will a close relationship with the opposite sex be the downfall of your relationship?

There is a movement that exists in dating today that is redefining the true boundaries of infidelity. Not that cheating was ever okay on any level, but today people are more aware of limitations than ever before. It used to be that men and women were discouraged from forging friendships. As time went on, however, people began working together and close relationships followed behind. Under most circumstances, this is fine, as men and women can have perfectly platonic friendships. But there are times when the association between friends crosses the boundary of what’s acceptable.
What Is Emotional Cheating?
An emotional affair begins when one partner has an extremely close relationship with a person of the opposite sex that transforms from regular friendship to something more. Instead of just hanging around platonically, the partner begins having feelings of attraction for the other person. Generally they begin talking intimately about things they should only be discussing with their significant other. They flirt with the other person, and behave inappropriately. They may withdraw from their partner. Unlike a cyber affair they do see the other person, sometimes having lunches or dinners or even just meeting somewhere for coffee. They behave in a manner that is secretive and hurtful, keeping information from their partner and sneaking off to have private email or phone time with the other person.
Why Is It Bad?
Some may argue that since emotional affairs fall just short of physical cheating they aren’t really all that bad. But this is incorrect. Emotional affairs can hurt just as much as physical cheating and sometimes even more. When one partner replaces time, feelings, and intimacy with someone other than their partner it hurts the relationship between them and their partner. Emotional affairs involve all the lying and mistrust that physical affairs do, and their damage often takes much longer to overcome.
How Do Emotional Affairs Begin
Often emotional affairs start between coworkers. What may start out innocently enough as time working on a project may evolve into a deeper emotional relationship. The two see each other for long periods of time during the day and develop a strong rapport. If one partner is having troubles in their relationship they may confide in their coworker, and things develop from there. But there doesn’t have to be problems in a relationship in order for an emotional affair to happen. There may have been a previous relationship that one partner never quite got over and then decided to remain friends with the person, thereby setting themselves up for an eventual emotional affair down the road.
How To Spot Emotional Affairs
If your partner exhibits traditional signs of cheating such as sneaking around, behaving differently toward you, or flat out lying, this could be the beginning of an emotional affair. Generally emotional affairs involve emails that your partner doesn’t want you to see, or they may take a phone call in another room and shut the door without telling you what it was about. If your partner begins to pull away from you and seems distant, they may be engaging emotionally with someone else.
How To Handle Emotional Affairs
If you suspect your partner is having an emotional affair you need to confront them about their behavior. Point out specific activities when bringing up your concerns. Tell your partner how the relationship they have with this person affects your feelings. Don’t be surprised if your partner gets defensive or denies they have done anything wrong. Often one partner may convince his or herself that by refraining from physical intimacy they have not crossed a line. By making your feelings clear, however, your partner will have no choice but to deal with your concerns. You both may need counseling in order to work out the issues between you. It is possible to be happy with your partner again, but it does take time and effort and is only possible when your partner understands the appropriate boundaries and works on repairing the trust issues they’ve caused for the relationship.

Ways to Meet New People

2007-10-17T01:20:00.000-04:00

Ways to Meet New People
Get a Date by the Weekend

© Cherie
There are more ways to meet new people than ever before. Check out these nine ideas to expand your dating prospects.

Meeting new people can be a challenging thing for singles, especially if most of your friends are married. The good news is that there are more choices to meet new people than ever before. Check out one of the ideas below and maybe you’ll even have a date by the weekend!

Online Dating

Internet dating takes the guesswork out of meeting new people. After all, everyone on the system is looking to meet someone. There are sites for virtually every preference and situation, from single parents to pet lovers to religious beliefs. Brush up on your online dating etiquette, log on, and find a date!

Speed Dating

Got ten minutes to meet your perfect mate? Speed Dating works on the premise that with a scant few minutes and a room full of singles, you'll be able to find someone who you want to go out with. Using good conversation skills will help you determine if you'd like to see someone again. Best of all, unlike a regular date, if you don't click with someone, you're on to the next person before you know it.

Singles Activities

Dances, cruises, and golf events and the like designed especially for singles are available in cities across the country. Check your local paper and community center for event listings. Practice a few opening lines, and meet someone that shares the same interests as you.
Faith-based Activities

Churches and synagogues often run social events especially for singles. Check with your local religious organization for information. If you do meet someone, be sure to have plenty of ideas in mind to entice your new love interest with a date.

Activities Where You Are Likely to Meet the Opposite Sex

Sometimes the best way to meet new people is by taking part in a new activity. Things like cooking classes, mechanics courses, and book clubs all offer opportunities to be introduced to your next partner. Keep the conversation light and you'll have a good chance of seeing them again.

Blind Dates and Set Ups

Ask your friends if they know of anyone they could set you up with. Often singles are shy about asking friends for set ups, but sometimes our pals are just waiting for us to give the word. Always be polite to both your date and your friend. Never make your friend feel bad if things between you and a blind date don't work out. That way they're more likely to try again when they come across someone new – and that person could be the one.
Matchmaker Services

Why not let someone else do the work of finding your special someone? Matchmaking may seem like an old-fashioned idea, but the advent of other relationship options like online and speed dating have given it a renewed popularity. Matchmaking is largely a word-of-mouth type of service, but some matchmakers can be found in the yellow pages (under "dating"), online, or registered with certain community organizations in your area.

Lunch Dating

There are many top lunch dating organizations that were created especially for busy professionals. They arrange casual dates for lunch, brunch, or after-work drinks.

Ask Someone Out

Why not take matters in your own hands and ask out that cutie you've had your eye on? Be confident, and don't worry about getting turned down. After all, if they say no, at least you tried. But if they say yes, you've got yourself a date!.

Keeping Your Attitude Up When Circumstances Are Down

2007-10-12T05:22:00.000-04:00

Keeping Your Attitude Up When Circumstances Are Down by Chris Widener

"Instead of spending your time thinking about how bad things are, think about how good they will be!"

Everyone knows that a positive attitude is key to the successful life. But what happens when things go wrong? What happens when circumstances deal us a blow? We have a tendency to let our attitudes take the dive along with our state of affairs. Life deals us setbacks, both minor and major, on a regular basis, but if we are going to be successful, we need to know how to deal with them and keep our attitudes intact! We need practical tools to help us understand how we can go about keeping our attitude up, when the circumstances are down. Here are some thoughts to help us do so:

Take some time-out. I'm sure you are aware of what happens. You are going about your day and everything seems to be going well, when out of nowhere disaster strikes. All of your best-laid plans begin to tumble. Sometimes circumstances surprise us and we react. Unfortunately, this often compounds the problem because by reacting we tend to operate out of our weaknesses instead of our strengths. We make decisions that are not well thought out. We function with a bad attitude that says, "I can't believe this is happening!"

The next time circumstances turn against you, take some time to just step back from the problem and think. This will enable you to deal with the issue at hand rationally, instead of emotionally. It will allow you to put your state of mind back into its proper place. It gives you the opportunity to choose your attitude as you face the circumstances at hand. Remember that we don't have to do something right now. Go grab a cup of coffee and relax little bit. By doing this you function with you being in control and not the circumstances.

Keep your eye on the goal. A second step in keeping our attitude in the proper place is to make sure we keep the important things important. One of the biggest problems with trouble is that it gets your focus off of where it should be. When I experience difficult circumstances and people ask me how it is going, I tell them, "I am just keeping my eye on the goal." It has always been fascinating to me that when racecar drivers get into trouble, they keep their eyes straight ahead and do not move them away. There is just too much chance of wrecking that way. Instead, their eyes are on the goal, and this keeps them out of trouble. If you find yourself getting down about circumstances, sit down and write out what the goal is. Give some thought to how you can achieve that goal or others you may have.

A man was asked how he was doing and he responded, "Pretty well, under the circumstances." The other man asked, "What are you doing under the circumstances?" Good question. We shouldn't be under the circumstances we should be focused on the goal and moving forward.

Focus on solutions, not problems. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, the old saying goes. Negative circumstances don't sit idly by. They scream for our attention. When we face difficult circumstances, we tend to dwell on them. We talk about them, fret about them, and give them way too much attention. Instead of talking about problems, talk about solutions. Instead of spending your time thinking about how bad things are, think about how good they will be! Don't have family or staff meetings about the problems and how big they are. Have meetings on the solutions and how you will implement them. Don't let yourself or other team members complain. Encourage them to solve, with an emphasis on the positive results that will come from doing so. Then take some time to put these solutions down on paper, so you can monitor your progress.

Get some positive input. The mind tends to build on itself, so when we begin to go in one direction, i.e. worry, it can be a slippery slope. One thing we must do is get our thoughts back on track with positive ideas. When circumstances have got you against the emotional wall, get with a good friend who can encourage you. Listen to a CD by Jim Rohn, Zig Ziglar or another motivational speaker. Pick up a good book and give it a read. Whatever external influence you can get to put your attitude back on the positive side of the tracks - do it! It must be one of our first goals to start plugging good things into our minds to fuel our attitudes.

Tell yourself the good. One of the greatest internal powers we have is the power to control our thoughts. Spend time dwelling on the good things about your life or job instead of the problems. Think about positive things, things you enjoy and give you a sense of happiness and peace. There is an old childhood song that says, "Count your blessings, name them one by one." That is great advice! Let your positive attitude develop from within as well as from without. This makes all the difference!

Remember that circumstances are not forever. Sometimes it seems like we are going to be up to our eyeballs in the situation forever, when in reality, this too shall pass. There will be a time in the future when circumstances will change and you will be on the mountain instead of the valley. This will give you a sense of hope as you live and work that will change your attitude, make you feel better and put you on the fast track for growth!

Some questions as we close:

Q. Do you have a habit of reflection before responding?
Q. Do you have a habit of keeping your eye on the goal?
Q. Do you focus on solutions or problems?
Q. Do you give yourself positive outside influence?
Q. Do you have a habit of telling yourself the good?
Q. Do you remind yourself that nothing is forever?

Chris Widener

Affairs, Infidelity, Cheating and Moving Past the Broken Trust

2007-10-11T00:38:00.000-04:00

Affairs, Infidelity, Cheating and Moving Past the Broken Trust

Affairs are not one night stands. Cheating can be a one night stand, a short lived infraction, or a habit. In either case, cheating or affair, the result is a show of disrespect for one's partner. Infidelity can occur for many reasons. Boredom, unfulfilled psyche issues, addiction, revenge, emotional insecurity ( immaturity ), and poor judgment during times of inhibition, to name a few. Affairs usually begin with emotional bonding, then proceed to physical intimacy. Affairs of the heart usually start as friendships, progress to emotionally connected, then develop a chemistry. Somewhere between friendship and emotionally connected, something dangerous occurs and the individuals develop a common bond. It can be a common bond of dissatisfaction at home or with their significant other. The individuals involved somehow find a common thread in which they can share discussions, listening, problem solving. In most cases, when the individuals are of the opposite sex, and involved with other people, this starts a recipe for an affair. As the friendship bond progresses and strengthens, a potential progression of this bonding brings with it the danger of progressing physical intimacy. If either of the individuals involved are experiencing home based relationship issues which are causing dissatisfaction, then the risk of affair is higher.

The damage of an affair?

The most damaging part of an affair is that which is experienced by the person that was victimized by the cheating. If your are a spouse or significant other that has been on the receiving end of infidelity, then the most damaging part of this situation is the lack of self trust. Most persons are able to come to grips with the infraction, however, resolving the potential of possible future infractions is where most people have damaging psychological effects. The internal conflict that arises is "How can a person, the victim, that has shown poor character analysis, trust themselves not to engage in another future relationship that will end the same way?" This lack of self trust often plays itself out in "control" issues, especially in first relationship that occurs immediately following a failed relationship.

Can couples recover from an affair?

First the question of why the person cheated needs to be answered? If the cheating is part of a sexual addiction, recovery is difficult. People also need to recognize the health dangers of this behavior. Some couples are known to have agreements that condone multiple sexual partners. This raises the question about why they are a committed couple in the first place. Some couples proceed through life "trolling" while others like to "chum" for sharks. In either case these behaviors not only carry a health risk, but they also carry the risk of a chemical bond being created with another person. Studies on brain chemistry and hormonal responses support the notion that the early courtship period, years 1-3, are bolstered with the ignition of heated biochemical reactions. These reactions, much like the brain's response to chocolate, create a biochemical glue that supports a couple's early years. After several years, the relationship needs more than just chemistry to survive. If no mutual respect has developed, or the relationship doesn't have any other dimensions, the relationship will most likely fail. Without a strong respect and common ground, then no "glue" exists, except common history, to hold the relationship together while work is done to repair it. And be assured this repair takes focus and hard work. However, if a person has an addiction to the biochemical reactions, then it is a good bet that further acts of cheating will follow. Recovering a relationship from infidelity, or simply recovering from being victimized by a cheater takes time. If a couple decides to repair their relationship then the single most important thing to focus on is a persons actions. If a person has been cheated on, and they are willing to move past it and repair the relationship, then the real test of a person is their credibility. Credibility never developed out of talking. It only develops out of actions that support one's verbal intentions. If the cheater is unable to overcompensate for a period of time, by being overly accountable for their actions, then the credibility that is necessary to repair the broken trust will not develop. Without this trust, no respect develops, and the "glue" necessary fails to lend itself to the repair of the relationship.

"What To Do When A Strong Issue Becomes Divisive"

2007-10-11T00:31:00.000-04:00

"What To Do When A Strong Issue Becomes
Divisive"
By Susie and Otto Collins

A few days ago we received a question from a
woman that reminded us of a big chance at
"fame" that we passed up a year or so ago when
we were asked to be on a TV show called "Wife
Swap."

If you're not familiar with the show, "Wife Swap" is
an unscripted reality TV show that airs weekly on
the ABC Television Network where each week
from across the country, two families with very
different values are chosen to take part in a
two-week long challenge. The wives from these
two families exchange husbands, children and
lives (but not bedrooms) to discover just what it's
like to live another woman's life.

As you can imagine, it didn't take us long to decline
their offer because it simply isn't in alignment with
what we are all about or want for our lives and our
relationship.

Which brings us back to this woman's question...

She wrote that her husband says that he still
loves her but wants to do "wife swapping." She
doesn't want to and is feeling a great deal of
pressure from him to do it. He told her that she
has "issues" about the topic that he doesn't.
She said that she feels that she's not enough.

Her question to us--which is one that we receive
every day from people about all sorts of topics--
is this...

"Am I right to feel the way I do?"

Whether the relationship challenge is about wife
swapping, jealousy over someone at work, helping
with child care, housework, or any other conflict,
the nagging question that many people have is
the one this woman had. It just manifests itself in
different forms for different people and with different
issues.

So with that in mind, we'll answer her question "Am
I right to feel the way I do?" in this way...

In our opinion, one of the biggest relationship
questions we should all be asking ourselves (and our
partner) all the time is-- "Will this (whatever the
"this" is AND it could be anything) move us closer
together or move us further apart?

We've found that what everyone really wants in
relationship is connection. You can call it many
names and it can manifest in different ways but
we all crave connection.

That being said, in our relationship the two of us
are always looking at how we are together and
what requests we make of each other through the
filter of this question...

"Will this make our relationship stronger or will it
move us further apart."

Since our love and connection is the most important
thing in the world to us, then we only want to do
things that bring us closer together.

In this woman's situation, it's not really about her
"issues" about wife swapping that keep her from
wanting to participate. In our opinion, it's really about
what's good for the growth of their relationship. It's
about whether he's feeling into her and seeing whether
what he's suggesting will serve her and their
relationship or not.

Just for the purpose of this moment... set aside any
personal, religious or social judgments you might have
about whether this situation is right or wrong and
consider this...

If the husband wants to do wife swapping and she
doesn't, it's pretty clear that it won't serve their
relationship.

If he still insists on doing it after talking with her
and finding out "she's not interested," it is more
for his own gratification, pleasure and desire for
the next big adventure than it is about what will bring
the two of them closer together.

In situations like these where there's a big emotional
charge and one person is made to feel "less than"
because he or she won't go along with the other one's
desires or ideas, here are a few of our suggestions...

1. Both people need to pay attention to and not dismiss
their feelings, attitudes, values and desires. Does that
mean that you can't expand or change? Certainly not,
but it does mean that if something feels "right" or "wrong"
to you, you need to pay attention.

2. Listen to each other with an open heart. Find out
why you each feel the way you do. In this woman's
case, find out what it is about doing the swapping
that appeals to her husband. What is it about this that
appeals and excites him? Approach this from a place
of genuine curiosity and then see what he shares with
you.

Is this easy? Of course not. But if you want to keep
a relationship together or at least give it a chance
when challenges like this happen, this is a crucial
step.

3. If the answer is something like he's only trying to
add some new excitement because he's bored
(or some similar reason), you have an opportunity
to openly and honestly talk about how you can
bring more excitement into the relationship without
doing something that will weaken or destroy the
relationship, your connection and go against your
values.

4. If the he/she insists on doing whatever is the
challenge and it feels detrimental to the health of
the relationship, the other partner needs to practice
setting and keeping boundaries.

As for feeling that you are not enough...

If this is your challenge, make the decision to act
like you are enough.

Not feeling like you are enough is just one or more of
those old (or current) programs that you continue
replaying in your head. Make a different program that
says you are enough.

One thing you can count on is this-- when you believe
and act like you are enough, that's the way other people
will treat you.

These kinds of challenges can wake up a marriage or
relationship--or can separate the people in them.

How you move through them and how open you are
to yourself and to each other determines the future
health and vitality of the relationship.

sending positve energy your way!!!!!!!!!!

Getting Money Right – What You Deserve by Jeffery Combs

2007-10-11T00:24:00.000-04:00

Getting Money Right – What You Deserve by Jeffery Combs

Isn't it about time that you got right with money? When I say "right" what I am talking about is getting money right emotionally. Money is a very controversial subject in our society. Mention money to almost anyone and it will bring out a certain level of discomfort because almost everyone lacks money. Statistics say that 97% of our population works for 3% of society. Only around 4% to 5 % achieve a six figure income and one-twentieth of 1% of society achieve a seven figure income. "Why is it," I ask, "that so many people struggle when we are living in a world with so many opportunities to create wealth?" In this information I will be presenting what I believe to be the reasons that hold so many people from receiving the money they deserve.

I have personally coached hundreds of great people in the last six years whose struggles with money issues have caused them to sabotage themselves over and over. One of the first questions to ask when it comes to money is, "Who was my role model when it comes to money, prosperity, finance, and abundance?" For most of us it was our parents and for them it was their parents. Let's also state that this information is not about blaming anyone. You are now a grownup and your perception of money is now up to you.

The next question to ask is, "What did I learn in my education about money?" Typical high school curriculum includes courses about economics and government but nothing about how to attract money or how to have a healthy relationship with money. Traditional education teaches how to acquire job skills, and prepares students to get paid what a particular job is worth, not what the individual is worth. Making more money requires education about free enterprise and how to get paid what the free market bears; getting paid on your terms and your time frame, and learning about service and value. The more valuable you become through the service you provide, the more you make. This is not about working hard because if that were the case, then all of the world laborers would be millionaires.

Over the centuries money has gotten a bad rap by being associated with corruption, greed, pain, and the misuse of power. A perception grew that somehow the rich deprived the poor and that wealthy people were bad people, were not loveable, were disconnected from love, and were greedy. The sad fact is that most people just don't believe they deserve to have money freedom or peace of mind. I believe that you can be rich, spiritual, and prosperous, and that with your abundance you can create love and compassion using your wealth to assist others strengthen their skills so that they too have the opportunity to be prosperous in life's ways.

Most of us have been taught that "Money is the root of all evil," but the actual quotation from the Bible is, "The love of money is the root of all evil." Money itself is neutral – not good or bad. It is paper and metal that symbolizes an exchange of goods and services. Money is an energy that you either attract or repel. It is the negative emotions around money such as greed, obsession, and power that can bring negative experiences, and that keep most people from it.

In the last several centuries there has been radical change in opportunity, philosophy, and ways to create wealth. Many courageous forerunners paved the way for new thoughts and ideas about prosperity, abundance, self sufficiency, and enlightenment. Just in the last hundred years brilliant writers and speakers have emerged like Napoleon Hill, Dale Carnegie, Earnest Holmes, Katherine Ponder, Florence Scovel Schinn, Earl Nightingale, Louise Hay, Jim Rohn and Tony Robbins, to name a few of my favorites that have assisted me with my enlightenment. A whole consciousness of self-help and personal development has become available to the masses. Bookstores and coffee bars are now as popular as some of the old traditional night spots, and we now have access to coaches and mentors to be emotionally, financially, and spiritually fit.

People now realize that they are responsible for their own empowerment. They see that assuming responsibility can bring them prosperity and allow them to become more and to do more. For this to happen, people have to have belief in themselves and grasp the idea that they can control their lives. In our me-too, microwave, lottery-mentality society very few people ever put the proper thoughts and proper actions together at the same time to provoke the results they deserve. Plain and simple, most people don't believe they deserve prosperity and abundance. They want, wish, like to, if only, pray for a miracle, and most of all want for change to happen. Sorry, it doesn't operate that way. Too many people tiptoe quietly to their graves looking back only to say – "I wish I would have!"

Still, don't lose heart for it can officially become "Now O'clock" at any minute. There are 86,400 seconds in every single day; 1,440 minutes, 24 hours, one day, one week, one month, one year, one lifetime. We can change at any moment. Is it hard or is it easy? You are one thought away from success or one thought away from failure. It is a choice we have the opportunity to make every single day.

I believe God wants us to be rich, prosperous, and free. God did not create fear, it is manmade. Fear overrides most people's dreams and objectives. Most people aren't even able to identify what they are afraid of. All they know is they are struggling just to keep up with the other sheep in the pasture. You have to get past the thoughts that money is bad and will somehow taint you. Abundance is natural and spiritual. Money will not deprive you but could actually enlighten you. Many of the great teachers have given credence to the idea that abundance is spiritual and that it is the power of your thoughts that creates abundance for you.

If you are wealthy more often than not you will be dispersing your money commercially and charitably, supporting many people around you and adding to the velocity of overall wealth. There are literally trillions of dollars passing about electronically on any given day, and those signals are literally passing by you at all times. If you stop and think about it, there are millions of dollars flowing through your body at the moment. Imagine making a slight flick of the wrist in order to stop some of that money in transit so it sticks with you. A flick of the mind is a flick of the wrist. Money can be good – greed is not good. There are no reasons why you can't be very rich, very rich in fact, and still be a very valuable generous spiritual person with a huge heart and compassion for everyone.

Jeff Combs

Jeffery Combs is an internationally recognized trainer, speaker, and author in the Network Marketing & Direct Sales Industry. He is the author of the highly inspiring books More Heart Than Talent and Psychologically Unemployable as well as over fourteen other motivational and personal development products.

fired from my job-HOW TO HANDLE IT

2007-10-09T01:13:00.000-04:00

Career
By Michael Mayne

I was recently fired from my job, and I'm still very upset since I've always worked hard and thought I would retire from this organization, which I helped to build. I feel totally deflated and demoralized - certainly not what I expected at this stage in my career. What should I do? Any ideas?

Job loss, especially if it comes unexpectedly, is always a shock. Many of us naturally place a great deal of our self-worth into what we do for a living, but it's critical to think beyond the immediate, and look at the longer term. The following steps should assist you during this transitionary period.

1. Take Some Time to Think
Maintain your dignity and professionalism throughout this trying period. You should allow yourself to grieve for something you lost, but don't wallow in self-pity. Instead, select two or three "safe" confidants for airing your feelings. It is critically important that you carefully maintain your public image as a competent professional who can roll with the punches. Behaving negatively, or like a "victim" can only hurt your future opportunities.

2. Evaluate Your Severance Offer
Severance pay is not a reward for long or loyal service. It is a reasonable bridge to future employment, and is based on your:
level within the organization
length of service
age
anticipated re-employability
industry
Your severance should also provide some coverage for benefits and, preferably, some re-employment assistance (Outplacement).

If you are concerned with the fairness of your settlement, discuss your offer with an employment lawyer, but resist the urge to sue. Your new focus in on your future, and you will usually get a better result by seeking an amicable resolution through polite, informal negotiation.

3. Arrange your Finances
You need a clear picture of:
your net worth
what you owe
what you need per month to maintain your present lifestyle
Then, work with other family members to prepare a conservative but realistic budget for the next 6-12 months.

4. Don't Leap into a Job Search Immediately
Resist the temptation to immediately send out resumés, rush out to interviews or to "grab anything". When you have just been terminated, your hurt or anger will show in interviews. Career decisions are too important to be made when you are still off balance.

5. Take Stock of Yourself
Take this opportunity to reassess who you are, determine your most marketable strengths, and work towards a "good fit" situation. This will permit a planned, strategic approach to the next step in your career. While you may feel stigmatized as "unemployed", there is not generally a stigma in the marketplace with unemployment, and it can even provide benefits to you over the competition.

6. Upgrade Your Job Search Techniques
Bring your job search strategy up to your present level, and the current market. Mailing out 200 resumés or registering with a dozen headhunters may have worked for you fifteen years ago, but these strategies are no longer effective or appropriate.

7. Educate Yourself
Undertake to understand the major changes in the work world (the "New Normal") and how best you can fit in. You will then have more control over your future career.

8. Maintain as Normal a Lifestyle as Possible
Your current job is to find your next job. While this should be a full-time job (at least 35 hours a week), it should not be a 24-hour-a-day obsession. You and your family need to socialize and make time for recreation and play, to give you the energy for the period ahead.

9. Look to the Future
For many of our clients, the benefit of hindsight has shown them that the loss of their previous job was the best thing that could have happened to them, even if they had to go through some rather rough and uncertain times to get there. Your attitude during your transition can make the difference between long-term unemployment or a fulfilling job that you enjoy.

Dating Tips & Advice "Fear of Intimacy"

2007-10-09T01:01:00.000-04:00

"Fear of Intimacy" by Susie and Otto Collins
Daphne was everybody's friend. She was the life of any party and when someone needed help, she was always there. She helped organize events at work which were over and above her normal duties. She even helped take care of her ailing father when her siblings wouldn't or couldn't help. She kept busy all of the time.
Everyone agreed that she was a great person and yet Daphne had an empty feeling inside herself and secretly wondered if there was something more to life. Although she couldn't quite put her finger on it, she felt like something was missing.
Although no one could have guessed, at the bottom of Daphne's "empty" feelings was a fear of intimacy. While we are in no way saying that there is a problem with being of service to others, we are saying that "busyness" is one way people sabotage connections with others.
This is not only true of intimate relationships but also with co-workers, family members, and friends. There also can be a fear of intimacy with yourself.
Besides "busyness," here are some other ways that the fear of intimacy might show itself:
--pointing an accusatory finger outward, judging the other person instead of looking within
--displaying anger or hostility to keep people away
--cutting, sarcastic remarks that are supposedly meant to be humorous or "kidding"
--being sexual while closing down to a true connection and intimacy
--adopting a superior attitude
The list could go on and on but we think you probably have the idea...
What we have discovered is however the outward behavior shows itself, there is a survival need that's not being met.
We have found that when we are strong within ourselves, our survival needs are not in question and we are open to a deep connection with others.
We are certainly aware that fear of intimacy can also be a "red flag" telling you that this relationship isn't right for you.
So how do you know when to move past the fear and open yourself further into the relationship--or when to use your fear as a signal that being intimate in this relationship is not very wise?
We suggest that you open to love no matter what. To us, this means loving the person while maintaining boundaries that are healthy for you. It doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with the other person but it does mean honoring them and holding them in compassion.
It doesn't mean being in the type of relationship that the other person wants. True intimacy is opening to love in every moment.
With that being said, here are 5 ways to help you to move past your fears and open more to intimacy with the people in your life...
1. Don't confuse busyness with connection. If you are like Daphne and feel like there's something missing in your life, start looking at all the things that keep you busy. Start slowing down and taking time to connect with people even with a smile or a kind word.
2. Don't confuse listening and giving advice with listening from your heart. True intimacy begins with listening with an open heart and not from your frame of reference. True intimacy begins with understanding the other person's frame of reference.
3. Don't confuse giving love and kindness with true intimacy. True intimacy comes from giving love from deep inside. This might be something entirely different than doing the things that you consider are being loving. True intimacy asks that you learn to receive as well as to give.
4. Always take time to support and nurture yourself. If you don't allow an intimate connection with yourself, how can you expect to have one with another person? Take the time to be introspective and love yourself. If that means getting a massage, do it. Whatever supporting yourself means to you, do it.
5. Speak your truth in ways that others can hear. Unfinished business and words left unsaid build up walls that keep intimacy out. Although your truth may be difficult to say, talk to the other person from a place of pure love.
Fear of intimacy can be the result of many different things going on inside of you. What's so interesting about "fear of intimacy" is that until you let go of the fear of getting hurt (or the fear of whatever is keeping you from being more intimate) then, you'll never have the kind of love, depth and connection that we know is possible.
Opening your heart and letting go of your fears can be difficult. If your fears of intimacy are keeping you from having the best possible relationship, we encourage you to work through whatever is causing you to be fearful. More love and closer and more connected relationships await when you do.

Focus On Key Result Areas

2007-10-09T00:46:00.000-04:00

Focus On Key Result Areas
By: Brian Tracy

The Key Question for You to Ask
Why are you on the payroll? This is one of the most important questions you ever ask and answer, over and over again, throughout your career.

As it happens, most people are not sure exactly why they are on the payroll. But if you are not crystal clear about why it is that you are on the payroll and what results you have been hired to accomplish, it is very hard for you to perform at your best and get paid more and promoted faster.

Determine the Results Expected of You
In its simplest terms, you have been hired to get specific results. A wage or a salary is a payment for a specific quality and quantity of work that can be combined with the work of others to create a product or service that customers are willing to pay for.

Define Your Key Result Areas
Each job can be broken down into about five to seven key result areas, seldom more. These are the results that you absolutely, positively have to get to fulfill your responsibilities and make your maximum contribution to your organization. Your failure to perform in a critical result area of your work can lead to failure at your job. There is essential knowledge and skill that you must have for your job. These demands are constantly changing. There are core competencies that you have developed that make it possible for you to do your job in the first place. But there are always key results that are central to your work and which determine your success or failure in your job.

You Are Responsible
A key result area is defined as something for which you are completely responsible. This means that if you don't do it, it doesn't get done. A key result area is an activity that is under your control. It is an output of your work that becomes an input or a contributing factor to the work of others.

Give Yourself A Grade
Once you have determined your key result areas, the second step is for you to grade yourself on a scale of 1-10 in each of those areas. Where are you strong and where are you weak? Where are you getting excellent results and where are you under performing?

Here's the rule: Your weakest key result area sets the height at which you can use all your other skills and abilities.

This rule says that you could be exceptional in six out of seven key result areas but really poor in the seventh. And your poor performance in the seventh area will hold you back and determine how much you achieve with all your other skills. This weakness will act as a drag on your effectiveness and be a constant source of friction and frustration.

Decide to Become Excellent
The fact is that everybody has both strengths and weaknesses. Refuse to rationalize, justify or defend your areas of weakness. Instead, identify them clearly. Set a goal and make a plan to become very good in each of those areas. Just think! You may be only one critical skill away from top performance at your job.

Here is one of the greatest questions you will ever ask and answer: "What one skill, if I developed and did it in an excellent fashion, would have the greatest positive impact on my career?"

You should use this question to guide your career for the rest of your life. Look into yourself for the answer. You usually know what it is.

Action Exercises
First, identify the key result areas of your work. What are they? Write down the key results you have to get to do your job in an excellent fashion. Give yourself a grade from 1-10 on each one. And then determine the one key skill that, if you did it in an excellent manner, would help you the most in your work.

Second, make a habit of doing this analysis regularly for the rest of your career. Never stop improving. This decision alone can change your life.

The Key to Charisma

2007-10-08T01:03:00.000-04:00

The Key to Charisma
By: Brian Tracy

There is a close association between personal charisma and success in life. Probably 85 percent of your success and happiness will come from your relationships and interactions with others. The more positively others respond to you, the easier it will be for you to get the things you want.

The Law of Attraction
In essence, when we discuss charisma, we are talking about the law of attraction. This law has been stated in many different ways down through the centuries, but it basically says that you inevitably attract into your life the people and circumstances that harmonize with your dominant thoughts.

You Are A Living Magnet
In a sense, you are a living magnet, and you are constantly radiating thought waves, like a radio station radiates sound waves, that are picked up by other people. Your thoughts, intensified by your emotions, as radio waves are intensified by electric impulses, go out from you and are picked up by anyone who is tuned in to a similar wavelength. You then attract into your life people, ideas, opportunities, resources, circumstances and anything else that is consistent with your dominant frame of mind.

The law of attraction also explains how you can build up your levels of charisma so that you can have a greater and more positive impact on the people whose cooperation, support and affection you desire.

Perception is Everything
The critical thing to remember about charisma is that it is largely based on perception. It is based on what people think about you. It is not so much reality as it is what people perceive you to be. For example, one person can create charisma in another person by speaking in glowing terms about that person to a third party. If you believe that you are about to meet an outstanding and important person, that person will tend to have charisma for you.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta
One of the most charismatic people in the world was Mother Teresa of Calcutta. In a physical sense, she was a quiet, elderly, frail woman in poor health, and she wore a modest nun's habit. She might have been ignored by a person passing her on the street, were it not for the tremendous charisma she developed and for the fact that her appearance was so well-known to so many people as a result.

How Would You Feel?
If someone told you that he was going to introduce you to a brilliant, self-made millionaire who was very quiet and unassuming about his success, you would almost naturally imbue that person with charisma, and in his presence, you would not act the same as you would if you had been told nothing at all. Charisma begins largely in the mind of the beholder.

Lasting charisma depends more upon the person you really are than upon just the things you do.

Continually look for ways to improve other's perceptions of you so that you can be more influential with them. Be a living magnet.

Action Exercises
Here are two things you can do immediately to put these ideas into action.

First, be clear about the messages you are sending and the perceptions you are creating in others. Are these perceptions consistent with the impressions you want to make?

Second, see yourself and imagine yourself every day as an important powerful and charming person. Treat others as you would if you were already strong, famous and influential.

Fake it until you make it!

"5 master qualities of extraordinary achievers."

2007-10-08T00:42:00.000-04:00

5 master qualities of extraordinary achievers.

- by Emmanuel SEGUI

You can be a master achiever by developing the same
qualities of those who seem to achieve more than others.
Here are 5 qualities you need to master in order to become
a successful person in your chosen field and in your life.

1. Achievers are creative.
Creativity is a fundamental quality of a visionary leader.
Creativity is also essential for problem-solving, conflict
resolution, crisis and change management.

As they are extensively goal and result oriented, achievers
need to come up with many solutions to reach their goals,
therefore they need to be more creative than others.
An effective method for you to be more creative in problem
resolution is:

first, sit down in a comfortable chair and think about all
the ways to resolve the problem, even if it may be absurd.
This is not the time to be critical, but the time to think
without any judgment. Come up with at least 20 solutions.

The first eight solutions will be obvious, the second eight
solutions will require some effort and therefore
creativity.
You will see that the last two solutions will be the hardest
to find, but the most creative. And they will surely be the
ones that you will stick to.

Second, act out in your head the movie of how you would
implement each solution. And third, be critical as far as
each solution is concerned. This is an effective way to
resolve problems used by effective leaders and managers.

2. Develop the Habit of Courage.
They have developed the habit of courage. Courage to wake up
earlier and go to bed later. They've developed self-
discipline. Self-discipline is astering yourself, your
actions, thinking and emotions. They know that in order to
become leaders for others, they need to become a leader for
themslves first.

It takes courage to have self-discipline but it is
learnable. They take action even if it is uncomfortable.
They go out of their comfort zone, and go for opportunities.

Talk about courage! An effective method to develop the habit
of courage is to see opportunities to grow and evolve in
every challenge you face. Face your fears and learn from
them. There is always a positive intention behind every fear
you feel.

3. Top People are Committed to contribute.
Finally, they take action. High achievers are result and
action-oriented. They are committed to action. As they make
precise plan for what they really want, they go for it and
are committed to reach the goal. An effective way for you to
be committed to action is to set goals. Work every day on
these plans and evaluate very week where you are.

4. Continuous Learning.
High achievers are lifelong learners who subscribe
to the process of continuous improvement. They view mistakes
as learning opportunities. "There is no failure, only
feedback" is always their motto. They know they need to
improve, take risks, make mistakes and view these mistakes
as opportunities to bounce back.

An effective way for you to develop this habit is to first,
read each day a book in your chosen field.
Second, listen to educational audiotapes in your car and go
to seminars given by experts in your field.
By doing that, you will be ahead of your competitors and you
will become more educated, therefore, you will earn more in
your life.

5. They are Responsible.
High achievers know that they are 100% responsible for
what's happening to them. They don't blame anybody else.
They look themselves in the mirror and say "You can do it,
it's only up to you dude!" You have the ability to respond
in every situation you find yourself. Your response is up to
you.

Creativity, courage, commitment, learning and responsibility
are at the heart of every great achievement.
Success is not always easy. People may be in your way. You
may face discouragement. Problems may appear. But by
learning how to be responsible, you will find solutions that
others won't think of. You will find the courage to
change your life and commit to excellence.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Develop a vision for your life and career will help
you be at peace, happy and get far more than you could ever
imagine.

sending postive energy your way!!!1

Build More Relationship Trust

2007-10-04T00:41:00.000-04:00

Build More Relationship Trust
"Ten Destructive Habits That Demolish Trust"
Dr. Frank Gunzburg
Baltimore Maryland

At this point, you should have some fairly solid ideas about how you can become transparent and rebuild the trust in your relationship. If you institute the strategies above, trust will blossom, and warmth and love will come back into your relationship.In order to reinforce this process, there are 10 destructive habits that you should stay away from if you truly want to rebuild the trust in your relationship and make it thrive again. In order to initiate and maintain a warm relationship, avoid the following:

1. Neglecting Your Partner. You will remember that attention is one of the building blocks of trust. Neglect is its antithesis. If you consistently neglect your partner, you can be assured that any trust you’ve developed will falter. Be attentive, not neglectful. Here are some ways you might be neglecting your partner:

2. Angry Outbursts. Anger is a feeling. At some time, each of us gets angry. It’s what you do with your anger that can harm your relationship. The caution here is that even when you are angry, be respectful and reassure your partner that you are just angry, not dismissing or un-loving them.

3. Unfair Accusations. You will get nowhere by accusing your partner of not caring about you, having never loved you, going out with their paramour when they are five minutes late from work, trying to take revenge on you, or intentionally trying to hurt you. Accusation is not a good way to rebuild your relationship. It makes your partner defensive, and a combination of accusation and defensiveness generally just leads to useless arguments.

4. Constant Fighting. If you are constantly bickering with your partner at this point in the program, you need to review the 2-stage method for conversation that I presented in Section 6. In it you will find ways to be an active listener. If you cannot effectively do this exercise, then you might want to seek professional counseling. Fighting all the time is akin to being angry all the time. It simply doesn’t work to create a healthy and loving atmosphere in which a relationship can flourish in.

5. Taking Revenge. Revenge in any form is a mistake. You certainly don’t want to take revenge and have an affair yourself. Nor do you want to get involved in any other kind of revenge. We have already discussed that issue. Even small ways of being vengeful, like snapping at your partner when they say something you don’t like, biting sarcasm, or saying passive, hurtful things to or about them, should be avoided. If you feel the desire to be vengeful, go back to Section 1 and look at your feelings more closely.

6. Disrespectful or Demeaning Comments. These don’t serve any kind of healthy relationship, and you should particularly avoid them if you are recovering from an affair. There is always a cleaner, more direct way to communicate your needs than being demeaning.

Some people, for example, combine their own frustration with a simple request such as, “Will you open the door for me, please.” The combination of the frustration (whether it is related to the request) and the request make the person sound angry. If they are frequently frustrated or overwhelmed, they might come across as always being angry or always talking with an angry voice to their partner. Situations like this are not demeaning by intent, but that is the unintentional impact.

7. Nagging. You certainly will have to make requests of each other from time to time, and you might have to do so multiple times in a day. Asking once or twice about something is okay. Once you go beyond that, you will probably be accused of nagging. If a responsible adult needs more than a few reminders, then some other issue is at work. This is when you need a conversation about the request and whatever issue might be present around that request. Think of times when your partner has nagged you; what issue was going on for you that kept it going? Now think of a time when you nagged your partner. Make a guess about what issue was going on for them that kept it going.

8. Intentionally Engaging in Irritating Habits. If you intentionally annoy your partner by engaging in habits that you know irritate them, then you are not doing all you can to rebuild the trust in your relationship. Cease the behavior, and look at what lies beneath your desire to irritate.

9. Selfish Demands. A relationship isn’t about you. It isn’t about your partner either. It’s about both of you together as a unit. You need to have your needs met in order for the relationship to function in a healthy way. However, selfish demands do not fall in line with this. These kinds of demands inhibit trust by telling your partner you think your needs are more important than their needs. End the selfishness. Open up to the world of sharing your life with your partner. (If you feel that you or your partner might be having problems with this, have a look at Minefield #3: Inconsiderate Choices in Section 5.)
10. Dishonesty. I left this for the end of the list because if there is one of the 10 destructive habits that I want you to remember to avoid, it’s this one. The only thing dishonesty can achieve is a breakdown in trust. It serves nothing else. Don’t get confused into thinking that dishonesty will make your life easier later or that you are somehow protecting your autonomy by lying. It won’t, and you aren’t. Dishonesty only serves to further hamper your progress toward a more beautiful relationship.

Extramarital Affairs, Cheating & Infidelity

2007-10-04T00:39:00.000-04:00

Extramarital Affairs, Cheating & Infidelity

"Surviving Infidelity: Why Do People Cheat or Have Extramarital Affairs?"

One of the questions you undoubtably have if you've been cheated on is why it happened. You've probably asked yourself this question dozens of times. And you may feel that you need to know why the affair happened in order to keep it from happening again.

According to marriage and family counsellor Dr. Frank Ginzburg, the one who has cheated operates under the mistaken notion that going outside the relationship will solve his/her problems or fulfill his/her needs in some way.

The "reason" that he/she has done what he/she has done could be any number of things. Dr. Ginzburg goes on to list some common themes:

1. Some people cheat because they aren't getting their needs met inside the relationship. They no longer feel special in the relationship and they are under the deluded notion that going outside the relationship is a legitimate answer. It isn't.

2. In some cases people cheat because they have never learned to honor boundaries. They may know the boundaries are there, but they have little hesitation about stepping over them.

3. Some people are thrill seekers that just can't pass up the opportunity to get a thrill. The very fact that these people are doing something that is taboo compels them to engage in the affair.

4. Similarly, some men think that they are not a real man if they turn down a sexual invitation from someone attractive.

5. Some people have low self-esteem and they get a sense of self-worth through finding people who care about them.

6. In some cases people have sexual fetishes that their partners have problems with so they go outside the relationship in order to fulfill these sexual desires.

Whatever the reason the affair happened, the person who has cheated can choose to do some personal work on themselves and re-committ to the relationship.

How do you keep it from happening again?

If there is one thing that increases the chances of another affair happening, it is neglect. Neglect is a poison that eats away the foundation of your relationship.

According to Dr. Ginzburg, there are three ways that you can neglect your relationship:

1. You can neglect your own needs,

2. You can neglect your partner's needs,

3, You can neglect both your needs and your partner's needs.

Overcome Jealousy

2007-10-04T00:35:00.000-04:00

Overcome Jealousy
"Jealousy--Where does it come from?"
By Susie and Otto Collins
A common issue that gets in the way of having great relationships is jealousy.
We put the issue of jealousy into two camps: 1) Where one or both partners have broken past commitments and there is jealousy between them. And 2) Where one partner is jealous of their partner and there doesn't seem to be a reason for the jealousy.
This 2nd scenario is the one we will be addressing in this article. One of the questions we are most frequently asked concerning jealousy goes something like this... "My partner is extremely jealous (especially of people at work) and there is no reason for him/her to feel this way... please help me to understand what is going on..."
When it comes to someone feeling jealous without apparent cause the number one reason is because of fear. The person that is jealous may not see it this way or be willing to admit it at first--but at the core of almost all jealousy is a fear that they may lose their partner and their needs for love, friendship and affection will no longer be met.
The second ingredient that is almost always present when someone is jealous in a relationship is a lack of trust. This can either be a lack of trust in their partner because of past actions or a lack of trust in their partner's ability to make conscious choices and decisions about their conduct when they are with other people.
If your partner says "I trust you but I don't trust the people you work with or other people you socialize with" then you can just translate that to mean "I don't trust your ability to make conscious decisions about your conduct with other people when I'm not there."
If jealousy is an issue that you want to heal in your relationships, the first thing you must do is have the willingness and courage to talk about the issue in a non-judgmental way with each other.
First of all you must define and make clear what your commitments and agreements are to each other. Talk with each other about ways that can allow the jealous partner to feel more secure.
Then create conscious agreements for how you will act in situations that could feel threatening to the one who is jealous.
Early in our relationship, one of the things that we agreed to do in social situations was to occasionally make eye contact with each other throughout the evening.
For us, creating and following through on this agreement built trust between us and helped dissolve the jealousy issue before it became a bigger problem.
Another thing that has been helpful when we are working with people on issues surrounding jealousy is to encourage them to become more conscious of the patterns from previous relationships that they may be repeating in their current relationship.
Sometimes a person in a relationship may be jealous of their partner and it may have nothing to do with the reality of their present relationship. If this is the case, healing can take place when they recognize that the feelings they have that are triggering jealousy are about previous relationships and not the present one.
No matter what the reason for the jealous feelings, fear is at the bottom of it. In dealing with your fears surrounding jealousy, it's important to recognize where fear comes from.
Fear is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real. If there's no legitimate reason for the jealousy, we suggest that you and your partner spend some time and look at where the fears are coming from that have brought up the jealous feelings. Then create a strategy for how you will deal with these feelings in the future.

Personal Growth and Development: How To Maximize Your Strengths

2007-10-03T01:59:00.000-04:00

Personal Growth and Development:
How To Maximize Your Strengths
by A. J. Schuler, Psy. D.

The bottom line in promoting your personal growth is this: identify what you do best, and do more of it. Identify what you do worst, and stop doing it.

A lot of people have trouble identifying their strengths, and it does take time for people to get to know themselves. I can’t tell you how often friends ask me for tips on how they can sort out what they really want to do, no matter where they are in their careers. Everyone has their own path to personal development, but here are some questions to ask yourself that will help you identify your strengths:

Personal Growth Question #1: What do I like to talk about without stopping?
Chances are, the things that interest you most get you talking on and on. If what you talk about without stopping are the complaints you have or the things about other people that bother you, then nothing you will read here will help you. A negative attitude will sabotage any success you may seek, and the responsibility for that is yours. But if you have a positive passion, find out what it is and sort out what you like most about it. When something was “just perfect” in your experience, what made it feel that way? Your answers will help you see what your biggest motivators are and guide you to your best path for personal development.

Personal Growth Question #2: Do you get excited most by people, ideas or things?
If you’re a real people person, anything you do for your personal development will have to put you in contact with people - a lot! Sales people fit this description, but people who love service fit here as well. If you have a passion for people and a real interest in some area of expertise - whether it’s food or photography or some technical specialty - find a way to combine the two. Idea people may want to find more time to write, or do research, and may be happier and more effective building work lives that maximize the time they can be alone with their thoughts. People who are great with things are the most mechanically inclined, often the hardware people in our computer world, for example. They love to do things with their hands as the key to their personal development and growth.

Personal Growth Question #3: What do you enjoy most about the things you do today?
The only thing you can do consistently and with excellence is something you really love to do. If you don’t love doing something, you’ll never be anything but good at it, at best. But to enjoy life and reap the greatest rewards life has to offer, you have to follow your passions, and if possible, find a way to get paid for doing it! For your personal growth, think about what kinds of things you would be doing in your life anyway even if you were not getting paid for it - these are your talents, the things you “can’t not do” - and then talk to other people who have been successful doing similar things as a profession. Some people are happy to work for a paycheck and have their real creative passions realized outside of work - but very often it’s possible to bring the two worlds together, if you work to find a way.

Personal Growth Question #4: Who can you find who does things that might interest you?
This is a great personal growth step so few people take - just call someone who does something that might interest you. For example, if you are thinking about becoming a real estate broker, identify someone who does the kind of real estate work you might like to do, and call him/her. Ask for no more than fifteen minutes of their time and make a phone appointment or face-to-face one. Ask specific question about how they got into the field, what they do on a daily basis, what they love about it, what they don't like as much, etc. You’ll be surprised how many people are willing to give a little of their time this way if you ask nicely and don’t waste their time. Be prepared to ask specific questions and don’t run over time unless they make it clear that they don’t mind. You can learn a lot - maybe you don’t want to be a broker after all. Finding out what you really don’t want to do is really a positive step in personal development. But no matter what, always send a thank you note afterward, a personal one. If you do want to go into real estate someday, you may have found a future mentor.

Personal Growth Question #5: Who will be your future mentors?
Perhaps the single most important thing you can do to ensure your personal growth is to find a good mentor. A good mentor has experience traveling the path you want to travel, likes you, can laugh with you and will allow you to experiment while drawing on their wisdom. Mentors open up new ideas, new contacts and new possibilities. And it’s a basic fact of personal growth that we all develop - and only really grow - in the context of positive relationships. Just as children need good caretakers to grow and thrive, so do adults need good mentors and sounding boards to develop in life and in a career. There’s only so much you can get from books - or from articles like this!

In the end, if you keep your focus on developing your areas of real passion - and if you surround yourself with positive people who will help you develop that passion - good things will follow.

So, stop believing all the trainers - and psychologists! - who try to get you to improve on some area that others might consider to be your “weakness.” We all have weaknesses! Our natural areas of weakness will never carry us to excellence and we’ll never be happy doing the things we don’t do very well. Neither will the marketplace reward us for doing those things.

At most, devote twenty percent of your energy to minimize the impact of your weaknesses, but use the other eighty percent to build your strengths so much that your limitations become irrelevant.

Develop A Sense of Urgency

2007-10-02T02:23:00.000-04:00

Develop A Sense of Urgency
By: Brian Tracy

Perhaps the most outwardly identifiable quality of a high performing man or woman is "action orientation."

Take Time to Think and Plan
Highly productive people take the time to think, plan and set priorities. They then launch quickly and strongly toward their goals and objectives. They work steadily, smoothly and continuously and seem to go through enormous amounts of work in the same time period that the average person spends socializing, wasting time and working on low value activities.

Getting into "Flow"
When you work on high value tasks at a high and continuous level of activity, you can actually enter into an amaz ing mental state called "flow." Almost everyone has experienced this at some time. Really successful people are those who get themselves into this state far more often than the average.

In the state of "flow," which is the highest human state of performance and productivity, something almost mirac ulous happens to your mind and emotions. You feel elated and clear. Everything you do seems effortless and accurate. You feel happy and energetic. You experience a tremendous sense of calm and personal effectiveness.

Become More Alert and Aware
In the state of "flow," identified and talked about over the centuries, you actually function on a higher plane of clarity, creativity and competence. You are more sensitive and aware. Your insight and intuition functions with incredible precision. You see the interconnectedness of people and circumstances around you. You often come up with brilliant ideas and insights that enable you to move ahead even more rapidly.

Develop a Sense of Urgency
One of the ways you can trigger this state of flow is by developing a "sense of urgency." This is an inner drive and desire to get on with the job quickly and get it done fast. This inner drive is an impatience that motivates you to get going and to keep going. A sense of urgency feels very much like racing against yourself.

Create a "Bias for Action"
With this ingrained sense of urgency, you develop a "bias for action." You take action rather than talking continually about what you are going to do. You focus on specific steps you can take immediately. By employing this technique you concentrate on the things you can do right now to get the results you want and achieve the goals you desire.

Action Exercises
Here are two things you can do immediately to put these ideas into action:

First, select one major task confronting you and launch into it immediately. Don't hesitate. Move fast.

Second, start doing this every morning, first thing, until it becomes a habit.

Sending positive energy your way.

MENSTRUAL MYTHS AND FACTS!!

2007-10-02T01:15:00.000-04:00

Over the years, women's reproductive health has been widely misunderstood. The fact that women bleed every month has been the cause of much fear and justification for abuse and inequality. In many places in the world, this continues.

There is no scientific foundation for the social stigma women have endured as a result of their reproductive role. The road to empowerment begins with education and understanding. Let's take a look at some menstrual myths through the ages--and surprisingly, some that continue to prevail today.
Myth: Monthly periods are necessary

Fact: Monthly periods are normal,
but not necessarily necessary

While monthly periods are normal, they are not necessary. There is no medical reason to maintaining the monthly period associated with oral contraceptives. In fact, you actually don't menstruate while on hormone based oral contraceptives. Oral contraceptives were designed that way for consumer acceptance. When oral contraceptives were first introduced, marketers believed that women might be more apt to accept the Pill if it didn't eliminate their monthly period. The shedding of the endometrium (the uterine lining which builds up following ovulation to house a fertilized egg)-i.e., the monthly period-does not occur in women on an oral contraceptive since these are designed to inhibit release of an egg from the ovary. If you miss a period and are not on an oral contraceptive, consult your healthcare provider because skipped periods can be a sign of pregnancy or other medical conditions.

Myth: While on the Pill, you still menstruate

Fact: While on the Pill, you do not menstruate;
you experience withdrawal bleeding

Most women on the Pill or other hormone-based contraceptives do not ovulate, and therefore, do not build-up a thicker uterine lining which they need to shed along with an unfertilized egg--the purpose of a real menstrual period. The monthly bleeding women on the Pill experience therefore is not a real "menstrual period," but actually a "withdrawal bleed" induced by the withdrawal of hormones during the pill-free or placebo week.
In the early 1900s, women experienced approximately one-fourth the number of periods women experience today.

Myth: Menstrual periods purge negativity

Fact: The purpose of menstruation is to
release an unfertilized egg

Hippocrates introduced the false idea that a woman's period actually acted to purge her of bad moods. This idea of menstruation as having a beneficial purging effect was the foundation behind the widely-accepted medical practice of bloodletting, inadvertently causing the death of many patients, including American's first president George Washington. Bloodletting was long ago abandoned as a medical practice.

Myth: Sex with a menstruating woman is dangerous

Fact: Having sex during menstruation is
perfectly safe for both partners
In 60 A.D., the author of the first encyclopedia Natural History falsely claimed that when the sun was in full lunar eclipse, sexual intercourse with a menstruating woman could be fatal. These inaccurate assertions went unchallenged until 1492. In 1983, the World Health Organization studied the way women in 10 different countries feel about menstruation. In every country, the majority of women believed that sexual intercourse should be avoided during a woman's monthly period, although there is no factual basis for this belief.

Myth: Menstrual blood is poisonous

Fact: Menstrual blood is NOT poisonous

History's first encyclopedia also falsely claimed that menstrual blood was a deadly poison and that if menstruation were to coincide with an eclipse of the moon or sun, irreparable evils would result. As recently as 1952, Olive and George Smith of Harvard University inaccurately proposed the existence of menotoxin, a toxic substance in menstrual blood based on a study where laboratory animals injected with menstrual blood died. When the experiments were repeated by a scientist who added antibiotics to the injection, however, the animals lived, suggesting the lethal effect found by the Smiths was actually due to bacteria in the blood, not the blood itself.

To learn more about how history has impacted women's health.

Source: Coutinho EM, Segal SJ. Is Menstruation Obsolete? Oxford/New York: Oxford University Press, 1999

How to tell if you've been dumped already

2007-10-01T00:26:00.000-04:00

How to tell if you've been dumped already

by Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Sharon Marshall

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Sharon Marshall have had their fair share of life's little grenades. Now they've learned how to throw them back. To live the good life, it helps to be bad sometimes. So this is their take on how to tell if you've been dumped already.

One of the problems with men is that sometimes they don't actually mention that you've been dumped. You're sort of left to figure it out. Men just aren't as confrontational as women. Rather than just saying it's over, they think they're being soooo nice by just drifting gently out of your life. The trick is to spot the signs, so you can avoid all the drifting, get rid of the little loser and get straight down to being naughty with somebody else.

So, first of all, here are the signs.

Checklist
- Have those cosy conversations about how you must meet the parents/have lots of his babies/be blissfully happy for ever dried up?

- Has he suddenly come over all Donald Trump - claiming he can't see you because of endless 'business meetings'? (If he's started combing his hair like Donald's too, you really must end things immediately).

- Is he now always texting you rather than calling?

- Is he always in a hurry to hang up? Claiming he's 'on the tarmac and about to take off/on a train/about to go into a tunnel' when you call? Ask yourself if this sudden spurt of jetsetting really fits his job - e.g. does Burger King really insist on all this international travel for its chefs?

- When you get serious on the telephone he says 'you're breaking up'. And deep down you know what he means is 'we're breaking up'.

- If you text him saying you want to ride him till dawn, does he come back with a message about his accountant/mother?

- Does he only ever call you and suggest meeting when he's either drunk or the pubs are shut?

- Now you think about it, does he look a bit sheepish all the time?

- Has he called you to say you need 'to talk'?

- Is he always having a shower before he gets home from late night meetings with 'the boss'?

- Is he just being too, well, sweet? Surprise flowers and gifts all the time? If it's out of the blue or out of character it could be out of guilt, you know.

- Does he look nothing like the Adonis he should do, given the number of hours he's spending at the gym?

- Does he always claim the scratches on his back came from a friend's cat, but it's pretty obvious the cat is about 5ft 7? And probably blonde.

- Is he claiming a headache when that should be your prerogative?

- Or - and this is always a bit of a giveaway - you haven't heard from him for weeks now?

If most of this is looking a bit familiar then, girlfriend, you're about to be chucked. In fact, we hate to break the news to you, but you've probably been chucked already.

Exit with dignity. If you're still clinging to that last vestige of hope that the relationship might survive, you could go down the route of trying to play games. Try to look really busy in the hope he'll be intrigued and phone you to find out what you're up to. Switch the phone off so you look like you're doing something important. Get seen out with male friends. Get yourself into OK! magazine and trumpet your romance with someone else. Better still, announce it in Forthcoming Marriages in the Telegraph. That sort of thing.

But most of the time it's just easier to ask what's going on.

In your heart of hearts, when you know, you know. Go with your instincts and brace yourself. It hasn't worked out.

What Do Men Really Want?

2007-10-01T00:15:00.000-04:00

Actually, it’s pretty simple but most women have the hardest time with understanding men. Deep inside the heart of every man is a secret wish to be trusted. How many times have men said to their wives, “If you would just trust me.”

Many men wonder why it seems so difficult for their wives to do something so seemingly simple. The answer stems from the physiological differences between the sexes.

It begins at birth when little boys are given a distinct physical advantage over little girls by having higher levels of testosterone. With testosterone comes the physical strength to both defend themselves from danger and/or run away from a threat.

Most little girls don’t have that ability. They don’t have the strength to defend themselves in a physically fight when they feel threatened. If a boy trusts someone who in turn hurts him, he can always defend himself physically (or try to).

Little girls don’t have that physical option of power. Since a person can only trust from a position of strength, those same little girls will grow up into women who naturally have a more difficult time “trusting” when they feel vulnerable.

So men, when you ask the woman of your choice to simply “trust you,” it’s not that she can’t, she’s just more vulnerable than you. If you want her to trust you, she needs something that will help develop that trust.

Perhaps even a tool or gesture that she can “count on” until that trust with you is established. Thankfully this tool already exists and is known by every woman. What cultivates trust in a woman is a man who consistently keeps his word.

Making a promise is meaningless if there is no follow through. A woman needs to SEE her man fulfill his promises because seeing is always more powerful than hearing.

What Is Benign Breast Disease?

2007-09-29T02:19:00.000-04:00

The term benign breast disease is used to describe a number of benign (non cancerous) conditions that can affect the breast. Some cause discomfort or pain and require treatment, while others are of little concern and need no medical attention. Unfortunately, many breast diseases mimic the symptoms of cancer and so require tests and sometimes surgical biopsy to diagnose. Though the prospect of cancer is certainly scary, most biopsies find benign breast disease instead of cancer (for more on detecting and diagnosing breast disease, see the Early Detection and Screening and Diagnosis sections).

Some of the more common benign breast diseases are hyperplasia, cysts and fibroadenomas [4]. The term "fibrocystic changes" is used by some health care providers to describe a broad range of benign breast diseases. There are many subtypes of benign breast disease that differ from each other in their cellular appearance under a microscope. If “fibrocystic changes” is used to describe someone’s condition, it’s important to ask about the specific type of fibrocystic change that was identified (for example, whether it is a cyst or hyperplasia). While benign breast diseases are not cancer, certain types do actually increase the risk of breast cancer.

Hormonal factors, such as the use of postmenopausal hormones, can increase the risk of benign breast disease. Similar to the risk of breast cancer, risk of benign breast disease is increased among women with inherited genetic susceptibilities including BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutations [10,11].

Hyperplasia

Hyperplasia is a term describing the excessive accumulation or build up (sometimes called proliferation) of cells. It is usually found on the inside of the lobules or ducts in the breast tissue. Hyperplasia usually occurs among women in their 20s and often is associated with breast pain [11]. There are two main types of hyperplasia—usual and atypical. Both raise the risk of breast cancer, though atypical hyperplasia does so to a greater degree [12-14]. For more on this, see the Risk Factors and Prevention section.

Cysts

Cysts are fluid-filled sacs that are almost always benign. Often they can be left alone, or if painful, they can be drained of the fluid (aspirated). They may also be drained if they are palpable (can be felt) and could potentially interfere with clinical exams. Up to a third of women between the ages of 35 and 50 have cysts in their breasts, though most cysts are too small to feel and can be detected only by examination with ultrasound.

If cysts are large enough, they may feel like lumps in the breast. Breast pain and nipple discharge may also be present [11]. In a small proportion of patients, the cysts will recur after being aspirated. If this happens repeatedly, patients may want to have them removed. Cysts are more common in women as they approach menopause, but they are not associated with an increased risk of cancer. After menopause, cysts occur much less frequently [4].

It is unknown exactly what causes cysts to develop. Although certain dietary factors, such as caffeine intake, have been discussed as possible risk factors for developing breast cysts, there are currently very little data backing up any link between cyst development and either dietary or lifestyle factors [15,16]. For more information on detecting and diagnosing cysts, see the Early Detection and Screening section.

Fibroadenomas

Fibroadenomas, another type of benign lump, are most common in younger women. They are usually not removed because they pose no risk. Sometimes they are uncomfortable and produce a lump that can be felt in the breast. If a fibroadenoma is large, a woman will probably want it removed. In older women, fibroadenomas are generally removed to be certain they are not cancerous. Fibroadenomas are not generally associated with an increased risk of cancer [1,4]. For more information on detecting and diagnosing fibroadenomas, see the Early Detection and Screening section.

Sclerosing adenosis

Sclerosing adenosis most commonly occurs in women in their 30s [11]. It is characterized by small breast nodules that are composed of distorted, elongated glandular cells [10]. Sclerosing adenosis may increase the risk of atypical hyperplasia, lobular carcinoma in situ and ductal carcinoma in situ [10].
Radial scars

Radial scars are discovered most often during a biopsy on a breast tumor removed for other reasons [10,17]. They can look like breast cancer on a mammogram, but they are not actual cancer. Although some studies have found that radial scars increase the risk of breast cancer, this may be because they are typically identified alongside existing disease [11,18].
Intraductal papillomas

Intraductal papillomas occur in the lactation ducts of the breasts. These small masses may appear with or without nipple discharge [10]. There are two types of intraductal papillomas—solitary and multiple (or peripheral). Solitary intraductal papillomas usually occur among women in their 30s and 40s and do not increase the risk of breast cancer unless atypical cells are present [11]. Multiple intraductal papillomas, occur among even younger women and are associated with a small increase in breast cancer risk [10,11].
Benign phyllodes tumor

Phyllodes tumors are very rare, comprising less than one percent of all breast tumors in women. There are several sub-types. Benign phyllodes tumor is most common, accounting for more than 50 percent of all phyllodes tumors, and the least aggressive of these sub-types [10]. These benign tumors are similar to fibroadenomas and typically occur among women younger than 50 [10]. Because phyllodes tumors are so rare, it is unclear whether or not they increase the risk of breast cancer [10].
Sclerosing lymphocytic lobulitis/ductitis (diabetic mastopathy, lymphocytic mastitis)

Sclerosing lymphocytic lobulitis (also called diabetic mastopathy and lymphocytic mastitis) are benign breast masses that most often appear in women with insulin-dependent (type 1) diabetes [10,19]. These tumors are typically small, hard masses and can appear in the ducts (lymphocytic ductitis) or in the lobules (lymphocytic lobulitis) [10]. This type of benign breast disease does not appear to increase the risk of breast cancer [19].

copy from Komen Breast Care

Warning Signs of Breast Cancer

2007-09-29T02:14:00.000-04:00

Due to the increased use of mammography, most women are diagnosed at very early stages of breast cancer before symptoms appear. However, not every breast cancer is detected through mammography. The most common symptoms of breast cancer are a change in the look or feel of the breast, a change in the look or feel of the nipple and nipple discharge. These are described below:
Warning Signs of Breast Cancer

A change in the look or feel of the breast.
A change in the size or shape of the breast.
A lump or thickening in the breast, the area surrounding the breast or the underarm.
A warm sensation in the breast.

A change in the look or feel of the nipple.
A nipple turned inward or sunken into the breast.
The shape of the nipple becomes irregular.
A rash on the nipple or areola.
Nipple tenderness, increased sensitivity or pain.

Nipple discharge.
Blood or fluid other than breast milk secreted from the nipple.

A change in the look or feel of the skin on the breast, nipple or areola.
Dimpling of the skin on the breast (appears like the skin on an orange).
The appearance of irritated, red, scaly, or swollen skin on the breast, nipple, or areola.

Breast pain.
Although breast pain is usually associated with benign breast disease rather than breast cancer, it can be a symptom of either condition.

Adapted from National Cancer Institute [7,8], American Cancer Society [9], and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [10].

It is important to discuss any of these symptoms with a health care provider as soon as possible so that if breast cancer is present, it is more likely to be diagnosed at an early stage when it is most treatable.

What is Breast Cancer?

2007-09-29T02:09:00.000-04:00

Breast cancer is a type of cancer where cells in the breast tissue divide and grow without the normal control. About 85 percent of breast cancers originate in the mammary ducts, while about 15 percent arise in the lobules [5]. Cancerous tumors in the breast usually grow very slowly so that by the time one is large enough to be felt as a lump, it may have been growing for as long as ten years.

One of the most important distinctions to understand about breast cancer is the difference between invasive cancer and carcinoma in situ (kar-sin-O-ma in SY-too). The key concepts of each are discussed below, with greater detail provided in the Diagnosis section.
Invasive Cancer

The more serious of the two, invasive breast cancer, develops when abnormal cells from inside the lobules or ducts break out into the surrounding breast tissue. This provides an opportunity for cancer to spread to the lymph nodes and, in advanced stages, to organs like the liver, lungs and bones.

In the past, breast cancer was thought to grow in an orderly progression from a tiny tumor in the breast tissue to a larger one, sequentially traveling out to the nearby lymph nodes, then distant ones, and finally metastasizing in other parts of the body. Now, however, it is thought that cancer cells are capable of traveling from the breast through the blood and lymphatic system very early in the course of the disease, though these traveling cancer cells do not always survive beyond the tumor [1].
Carcinoma In Situ

When abnormal cells grow inside the lobules or milk ducts but have not spread to the surrounding tissue or beyond, the condition is called carcinoma in situ. The term "in situ" means "in place" and is used to describe this condition because the abnormal cells are still "in place" inside the lobules or ducts where they first developed. There are two main categories of carcinoma in situ: ductal carcinoma in situ and lobular carcinoma in situ.

Although the word carcinoma is used in their titles, the cells involved in the different carcinomas in situ are not fully cancerous because they have not developed the ability to invade tissues outside of the ducts or lobules and metastasize. They are often referred to as precancerous conditions because they can either develop into or raise the risk of invasive cancer.

Loneliness Is Bad For Your Health

2007-09-26T23:58:00.000-04:00

By Catherine West
Source: Association for Psychological Science

Two University of Chicago psychologists, Louise Hawkley and John Cacioppo, have been trying to disentangle social isolation, loneliness, and the physical deterioration and diseases of aging, right down to the cellular level.

The researchers suspected that while the toll of loneliness may be mild and unremarkable in early life, it accumulates with time. To test this idea, the scientists studied a group of college-age individuals and continued an annual study of a group of people who joined when they were between 50 and 68 years old.

Their findings, reported in the August issue of Current Directions in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, are revealing.

Consider stress, for example. The more years you live, the more stressful experiences you are going to have: new jobs, marriage and divorce, parenting, financial worries, illness. It’s inevitable.

However, when the psychologists looked at the lives of the middle-aged and old people in their study, they found that although the lonely ones reported the same number of stressful life events, they identified more sources of chronic stress and recalled more childhood adversity.

Moreover, they differed in how they perceived their life experiences. Even when faced with similar challenges, the lonelier people appeared more helpless and threatened. And ironically, they were less apt to actively seek help when they are stressed out.

Hawkley and Cacioppo then took urine samples from both the lonely and the more contented volunteers, and found that the lonely ones had more of the hormone epinephrine flowing in their bodies. Epinephrine is one of the body’s “fight or flight” chemicals, and high levels indicate that lonely people go through life in a heightened state of arousal. As with blood pressure, this physiological toll likely becomes more apparent with aging.

Since the body’s stress hormones are intricately involved in fighting inflammation and infection, it appears that loneliness contributes to the wear and tear of aging through this pathway as well.

There is more bad news. When we experience the depletion caused by stress, our bodies normally rely on restorative processes like sleep to shore us up. But when the researchers monitored the younger volunteers’ sleep, they found that the lonely nights were disturbed by many “micro awakenings.” That is, they appeared to sleep as much as the normal volunteers, but their sleep was of poorer quality. Not surprisingly, the lonelier people reported more daytime dysfunction. Since sleep tends to deteriorate with age anyway, the added hit from loneliness is probably compromising this natural restoration process even more.

Loneliness is not the same as solitude. Some people are just fine with being alone, and some even see solitude as an important path to spiritual growth. But for many, social isolation and physical aging make for a toxic co

Life Would Be Easy... If It Weren't for DIFFICULT People by Connie Podesta

2007-09-26T23:56:00.000-04:00

Go on, it's okay. Admit it! We all know that life would be a whole lot easier if we didn't have to deal with those few (or many) difficult people we just can't seem to avoid. I think you know who I'm talking about.

What's not okay is to give up something you need, want or deserve because of their rude, obnoxious, sullen, and apathetic habits. Yes, I do mean "habits". If you're tired of playing their game, take charge of your life by taking a good look at yourself! You can not change them, but you can change what you do and how you act around them - and ultimately how they affect your life.

The Good News... and the Bad News

Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact, they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children - and more important, it continues to work for them as adults.

I believe that most of us are born with the capacity and desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we learn to respond to verbal and visual cues and we begin to adjust our behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.

The game of life is basically about "getting our needs met." And you certainly do play a part! We reward difficult people by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone's behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are rewarding their negative behavior.

For example, Helen gets upset every time Harry mentions that he wants to play golf. Rather than face a 2-hour lecture he usually finds it easier to just stay home. One day, however, he gets angry and accuses her of being a nag who never understands him. Instead of answering back, Helen gets her feelings hurt, stomps off and gives him the silent treatment. Harry takes advantage of her "cold shoulder" and plays a few holes of golf!

Jennifer wins the same "reward" at her new school. Few of the kids would talk to her and some were even making fun of her. She asked to stay in during recess, but the teacher said no. Eventually she gets into a fight and pushes another girl down. The teacher tells Jennifer that fighting is against the rules and she will have to stay inside. What did Jennifer learn? Ask the teacher respectfully and you will not get what you want. Push someone and you can avoid recess!

We have three choices each time we respond to another person: 1. Be positive; 2. Be negative; and 3. Avoid or ignore them. Difficult people see avoidance as a positive response. When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept their behavior.

What do they really want?

Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, without interference. In addition, they expect everyone around them to cooperate - even work extra hard - to ensure that this happens. And they do not see anything unreasonable about these expectations. There is little in their experience to signal them that their actions are inappropriate. They also have little (if any) desire or motivation to change their habits.

What can I do about it?

We learn a lot from difficult people. We tolerate their behavior and attitudes as "part of life." We hold back our feelings and swallow our words. We make concessions even when we do not receive anything in return. We compromise even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. We may even question our own ability to relate and communicate with others reasoning that "Maybe it's me."

Since we cannot change difficult people, we can only change our selves and our reactions to their behavior. They need our cooperation and our permission to intimidate, control and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. In most relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow ourselves to be treated.

The good news is that because we are partly responsible there is something we can do to create and maintain relationships where we are treated respectfully. That's great news! By focusing on our selves and the changes we can make in our own behaviors and reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat us - today!

Take Action!
Think about two difficult people in your life.
Identify the behaviors of these difficult people.
Ask yourself if you could possibly be rewarding these difficult people.
Would they describe you as the difficult person? If so, what would they say?

Healing from Relationships

2007-09-26T00:56:00.000-04:00

Question: Alana, I have recently ended a long term relationship. I am wanting to love again but I am not sure how to do so. I could use some relationship advice. How do you open your heart again when you feel it is risky to do so?

Answer: Begin, that is the only way. You put one foot in front of the other and you keep examining what it is that your heart brings you. You gather more and more evidence that your heart is the place that holds truth. Your heart is the place that gathers love. Your heart is the place where you gain a greater sense of knowing yourself.

The heart is your resource.

It is your highway.

It is the place where you can connect to infinite wisdom,

infinite intelligence,

infinite love,

and infinite joy.

The first awareness is to just allow the possibility that your heart could bring you great joy. Then take one small incremental step at a time each day by evoking or creating an experience where your heart gets to feel joy. You can begin by bringing something to you each day that will align you with an expression within your heart. Do something where you will get to feel joy from within. It may be something you do for another. It could be something that you do for yourself. Most importantly, acknowledge that your heart is there to serve you.

Thank you dear one.

--Alana

Choosing Self Discovery for Building Bridges in Marriage

2007-09-26T00:54:00.000-04:00

Question: Will my husband and I stay together marriage wise after all these years of challenges and changes? Thank you.

Answer: Hello, dear one! It feels that you both have definite deep connections and that the two of you came together to teach each other and learn much from each other. It feels that it is up to you both whether or not you stay together. It is not something that is predestined, you know. It is a choice that each of you can make.

Alana feels that you can find ways to rekindle your love and ways to bring more light into your relationship. This is a conscious choice that each of you can make. All relationships take work in committing to be there for each other and committing yourselves to communicating what you feel, think, need. It is important to share ones individuality so that relationships can continue building bridges between the two individuals daily. And the bridges that are built are what create the staying power or the connection that carries forth the expansion of the relationship into the future.

So, as long as you are open and continue to share and talk of your heart and your partner does the same you will find compatibilities that will keep you together and a new life can enter your relationship.

Alana appreciates your question. I have hopes that you will continue your self discovery to really begin to discover parts of yourself while turning towards ways of expressing your uniqueness. This will bring new joy into your heart and this joy will expand out into your world and effect those you love in positive ways.

Thank you, dear one, for your question.

--Alana

Question: My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of problems and I could use some relationship advice. He has physically abused me twice in one mon

2007-09-26T00:43:00.000-04:00

Answer: Hello, dear one! Thank you for bringing forth your question. First of all, dear one, recognize that love is something that you must give yourself before you can create it with another. Secondly, recognize that it is okay to have needs, that it is okay to identify with what your needs are, and to hold them as non-negotiable elements.

So, dear one, you have a need to be treated with love and you have a need to be treated with dignity. Do not compromise this. Recognize the individuals who come into your life and treat you less than you desire are individuals that also need to learn how to love themselves. When an individual takes an action to another that is abusive, it is an action that they are really doing to themselves. You see?

This is because we are all connected and what we do to another we are doing to ourselves. So, his action towards you is really about wanting to abuse himself, either because it occurred to him when he was younger, or perhaps, because he feels he does not deserve. So, dear one, these are things that he needs to figure out for himself and not at your expense. By holding him able to heal himself, holding him able to come to terms with his own emotions and his own actions, it supports loving him as well as it supports you loving yourself.

Alana wants to point you in a direction of getting in touch with who you are and recognizing what you would like your life to look like. Then, begin reinforcing this by making a commitment to identify your needs and holding them strong.

You will have needs that are non-negotiable, and you will have needs that are negotiable. But, really be attentive in defining who you are, what you desire, and what brings you joy.

You see, when we invite others into our life that only blend with perhaps a couple of our needs, then we are not true to ourselves, and we are expressing a lack of love for our own nature. The only way to bring about a balanced world, one where we are all expressive, creative souls, is to truly love one's self.

So, Alana suggests that is your first step dear one. It is having compassion for yourself and to create a greater definition of your own identity, so that you will have a stronger awareness of what you bring into your life and how it will blend with the vibration that is you.

Thank you for your question, dear one. Alana sees you happy and well, knowing that you can create this definition.

Thank you, dear one.

--Alana

Dealing With Depression

2007-09-21T00:34:00.000-04:00

from Focus on the Family

Depression is a disease that can make marriage miserable. When one spouse is depressed, it affects both partners. It can rob emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy and drives both parties into isolation.

If your spouse is depressed, you might feel ignored, unimportant and frustrated. Maybe you wonder why your mate can’t just turn off the negativity and get on with life. If you’re the one who is depressed, perhaps you wish that your spouse would get off your back and you’re feeling trapped with little hope for recovery.

There is hope.

No matter who is suffering from depression, we can help. There are many people who have already traveled this dark road and have provided information we hope will bring encouragement.

Isn’t it time to take steps toward healing? The sooner you act, the sooner you can change your relationship for the better.

Managing Temptation Article Overview

2007-09-21T00:22:00.000-04:00

by Scott Stanley

When you pick one path, it's natural to wonder about the others, especially if the path you've chosen gets rocky. In marriage, maybes and what-ifs are most dangerous when your commitment to your marriage is lagging and the person you're thinking of is available (that is, single or in the process of divorce).
Cindy and Martin — and Frank

Cindy and Martin had been married for 12 years. They had three children between the ages of five and nine. Like most couples, they'd had their ups and downs, but basically their marriage was good.

Then Martin, a salesman, was made a district manager and had to start traveling more. The new work left him tired and less available to the family. This caused Cindy to be stressed and unhappy. And because both she and Martin were busier than ever, they stopped going out together and became increasingly irritable with each other.

During this period Cindy, a pharmacist, began to talk more and more with her coworker Frank. She and Frank, who was attractive and divorced, had been working together for five years and had grown to appreciate each other as friends. As Cindy became more unhappy at home, she became increasingly happy to share her thoughts and feelings at work with Frank. Frank really listened to her and understood the stress she was under.

Cindy soon realized that her attraction to Frank was growing beyond mere friendship. She liked feeling what she felt, but it also scared her. After all, I'm married to Martin, not to Frank, she reflected. But Frank seemed very interested in her. She wondered if they would date if she left Frank, and started to play various scenarios over and over in her mind.

Like Cindy, you have the choice either to dwell on the what-ifs or to put that energy into nurturing your marriage and making it as rich as possible. The remaining parts of this article cover specific strategies for protecting your marriage from attractive alternatives.
Adapted excerpt from The Power of Commitment: A Guide to Active, Lifelong Love by Scott M. Stanley. Copyright © 2005 Scott M. Stanley. This material used by permission of John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

WOMEN FOR WOMEN SENDING POSITIVE ENERGY YOUR WAY

2007-09-20T09:26:00.000-04:00

One of the biggest challenges many people face that gets in the
way of them creating the kind of relationship they really want is
that they take on the attitude of "why even try" because getting
what they want seems so overwhelming.

It's been said that a journey of one thousand miles begins with a
single step. For some people who want to make their relationships
better and are overwhelmed, even that first step seems so difficult,
if not impossible.

With that in mind, we want to introduce you to a very simple shift in
thinking. If you apply it, this shift will help you create the kind of
love
and relationships that you really want.

Here's a totally unrelated example from our own lives to explain what
we're talking about...

Listening to good music has always been important to us and has
given us a great deal of pleasure.

Since we started buying recordings of music concerts of our favorite
artists
on dvd, we decided that we wanted to upgrade the sound on our
television.
The problem was--since we're in the middle of so many projects in our
relationship coaching business, most of the sound systems that we
heard in those specialty sound stores sounded great and we loved them
but they were also more money that we wanted to spend right now on a
sound system for our TV.

So, Otto, being the determined person that he is, researched equipment
and finally found a small sound system that suited our needs and budget
right now. After buying this sound system, we can really enjoy the
music
of our favorite artists the way we like to hear it.

Is it the best sound system? No, but it certainly is a step up from
what we
had before.

What does our new sound system have to do with creating great
relationships?

We did not give up and quit our dream of having a good sound system
for our television just because the ones we really liked seemed out of
reach right now.

We found a way to take a step toward having what we wanted and it
turned out to be a great improvement over what we had. The simple
shift we made was to take one satisfying step forward and appreciate
it.

You can do this with any of your relationships, no matter what kind
or in what shape they are in right now.

Start by taking a baby step. Discover what you want, make it a
priority in your life, take one step toward it and appreciate your
progress along with way.

Here's what we mean...

A common problem that many of our coaching clients and people who
write to us face is how to deal with a partner who they can't seem to
communicate with. Communication might have been easy at one time,
but now it seems strained and there is distance between the two people.

What's does it mean to take a baby step when there's a communication
"brick wall" between the two of you?

Of course, every relationship is different but there's a simple shift
you can make if you want to take a step toward better communication.

Notice one thing YOU do to stop the communication. Here are a few
examples:

*Do you multi-task when you or another person is talking?
*Does your mind wander when you're supposed to be listening?
*Do you immediately get defensive and make up stories about what the
person said without asking for clarification?
*Do you insist that you are right and the other person is wrong?
*Do you find yourself judging the other person?

Taking a baby step to better communication may be saying "Yes, I do
this and I'm willing to stop doing it for a week (or even a day) and
see what happens."

When you are successful at stopping your habits that get in the way
of your communication, make sure that you appreciate yourself for
what you've done.

Does this mean that the other person doesn't have any responsibility
to change? Of course not. If does mean that if you want changes to
happen in your relationships, you need to start by identifying what
is holding you back from what you want and then take a small step
toward it by changing "you."

Changes in relationships usually don't happen overnight but they do
happen if you begin making the shifts that will bring them about.

Go ahead-start reaching for what you want!

The Argument Women Can't Win

2007-09-20T09:22:00.000-04:00

• When it comes to fighting and disagreeing with men, women frequently make a critical mistake which ends up causing them to feel hurt and lonely. When I see a female client for Relationship Advice I frequently encounter this scenario. During a routine conversation there is a disagreement between the woman and her husband/boyfriend.
•
• t starts out in a logical manner with two competent speaking adults simply talking about a problem or disagreement. Then at some point in the discussion that woman gets her feelings hurt and responds in an emotional manner. All of a sudden the entire dynamic of the conversation has changed and the man feels he has been betrayed.
•
• While the discussion was logical and factual, it had the similar feel of a business meeting where everyone has the sole goal of finding the answer to the problem. No one would dare interject their feelings into such a discussion for fear they would be viewed has weak and childish. In the business world, accomplishing the task is the primary goal, not making everyone feel good.
•
• This is how a man views a discussion that is logical and factual. He believes that if her idea is so good then she should be able to prove it. "She wants to prove her point so I'll prove mine. May the best man win," is how he thinks and has no idea that she only wants to be heard/understood.
•
• When women interject their feelings into a discussion that has become competitive, it makes men feel as though they are being blamed for being logical which causes them to react in anger. Men say to themselves, "She ask me to prove my point and when I do she gets her feelings hurt!" He has been blind sided by the one thing that makes him feel powerless, a woman in pain.
•
• The man feels tricked by acting strong only to pull the feelings card out when she was starting to loose the argument so now he feels entitled to punish her. That really is how most men think in that scenario.
•
• If you are a woman, a practical rule when discussing a topic is that if you want to debate, prove or compete with your boyfriend/husband then stay in that role throughout the discussion. If you want to be understood or nurtured, then relate to him by sharing how you feel about the subject.
•
• Don't switch to becoming a soft, feeling and vulnerable woman after you have presented yourself logically. All that will do is encourage him not to discuss things with you in the future. He'll be afraid of you dropping the feelings bomb.
•
• Most of the time I would suggest that you start off softly by speaking to him about how you feel concerning the issue so he can recognize your feelings which will signal to him that you are not trying to be competitive.
•
• On the occasions you do need to prove your point, hold your ground regardless of how you feel. Remember it doesn't matter as much which way you relate to him, the most important thing you can do is not to combine the two.
•
• Copyright by Bob Grant, L.P.C. 2006 All rights reserved

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